We Need to Talk About How Beyonce Gets Way Too Much Credit

So this is sort of out of the blue but what's with all of these chicks and being obsessed with Beyonce?  KFC from Barstool already blogged about this but I still don't fully get it.  Beyonce is an absolute TWELVE don't get me wrong - scalding hot, bootylicious dance moves, I'm told she's "fierce" as can be.  But I think people give her a little too much credit.  She puts on a good show and from the looks of it does everything else right, but in my eyes, in the "fierce" category, she's always going to be #2.  As dope as her dance moves are, they will always be second to my girl Shakira.  Always.

See, Beyonce comes out with new songs every other month so she's constantly in the spotlight soaking up the attention of the entire entertainment industry.  We never have a chance to forget about her so we marvel at her whole shtick every week of every month of every year, year in and year out.  Meanwhile Shakira comes out with new stuff every few years or so and leaves us drooling with our eyes popping out of our skulls for a solid 12 months.  Beyonce can booty shake with the best of 'em.  I cannot and will not ever try to argue against that.  But Shakira's hips and carnal gyrations are an entirely different level of sexuality. Nobody - and I mean nobody - thrusts like she does.  Literally mind-blowing stuff.  Like I can't physically watch a Shakira music video without immediately having to go masturbate after.  And now she's teaming up with Rihanna for a new fire flames banger that's guaranteed to be accompanied by a bonertastic music video where her body once again defies all logic?  Seriously, I just can't.





Welcome to GIF heaven.  In the immortal words of Big Cat, NBD but KBD.

Daryl Morey Says He's Kind of Proud That Royce White Might Be the Worst 1st Round Draft Pick Ever

(Source) - Royce White is the NBA draft's "worst first-round pick ever," according to the man who picked him.

Houston Rockets general manager Daryl Morey selected White with the 16th overall pick in the 2012 draft, but White has yet to appear in an NBA game.

"I take some sort of pride in that you could argue that Royce White is the worst first-round pick ever," Morey said in a Q&A discussion with Houston season ticket holders, according to the ClutchFans.net blog.

White, who is 6-foot-8, has struggled with an acknowledged anxiety disorder that would make it a challenge for him to play a full NBA season.

"He's the only one that never played a minute in the NBA that wasn't just a foreign guy staying in Europe," Morey said. "It just shows we swing for the fence."

Kind of have to hand it to Daryl Morey here.  The guy can flat out roll with the punches.

"Yeah I picked Royce White, the guy who's literally so petrified of stepping foot on an airplane that it's prevented him from playing a single NBA game...LOL that was silly of me. Jokes on you guys though because I'll always get credit for making the shittiest pick in league history so who's the loser now?"

*middle fingers to the sky*



Seriously though, it takes a special kind of dude to totally fuck up like that and then go out and snag a superstar like James Harden one year, Dwight Howard the next, and pick up two solid role guys/value pieces like Jeremy Lin and Omer Asik to boot.  Not to mention he made the Chandler Parsons pick, someone who is arguably the best value in all of sports at 38th overall in the second round.  When you clean up like that you've earned the right to brush off one of the fuck ups.  So dammit Daryl do you playa, go nuts, be proud as hell that you made worst pick ever.  In the long run,  it turns out the joke was on all of us puds who ever doubted your make-or-break riverboat gambling logic.  You're playing chess while the rest of us are stuck playing checkers.

Super Down-to-Earth and Not at All Delusional Lady Decides to Change Her Name to "Sexy"

(Source) - The name her parents gave her is so heinous, so cruel, that she rarely speaks it. It comes out of her mouth as a two-syllable shudder.

Sheila.

“I absolutely hate it,” Ranea Crabtree said. “I think it’s really ugly.”

Crabtree has gone by her middle name since she was a teenager, and now, as the mother of two teenage girls herself, she’s ready to dump Sheila. On Feb. 11, the Pataskala woman will stand in front of a Licking County judge and ask him to change her name to another S-word, one she likes much better.

Sexy. Yes. Sexy.

“I wear Victoria’s Secret clothes all the time,” said Crabtree, who doesn’t want you to know how old she is. “I was like, ‘Shoot, I’ll just go for Sexy.’”

Oh you don't like your first name and you wear Victoria's Secret clothes all the time?  Well then by all means please do change your name to 'Sexy', I'm surprised your parents didn't just name you that in the first place. Aside from the fact that Sheila here is clearly delusional and waaay too confident in herself, you know what really pisses me off about this?  Sheila is a normal fucking name!  It's not like your parents named you something weird like Apple, or gave you a clear stripper's name like Misty, Chastity, or Destiny.  Your name is fucking Sheila!  Millions of women walk around with the name Sheila and live their lives perfectly content with it.  Hell, I bet some of them even love the name.  But nope, you wear VS clothes so 'Sexy' it is.  

And what about all of the men of the world?  Are we just supposed to ignore the fact that the name is completely misleading and act like you're not totally bullshitting your face off with it?  Yeah right.  Oh and guys, Shiela doesn't want us to know how old she is.  Well guess what Shiela, I don't need the exact number because I can tell your age just from glancing at this hoity-toity little attempt at a glamour shot that you took: you're middle-aged, another not very "sexy" quality.  And I'm not afraid to say it - if you were a hard-bodied 20-something with big voluptuous titties and an ass I could bounce a quarter off of then I would 100% have no problem with this.  Sure I would still probably think you're a conceited, over the top hoebag, but at least then the name would make a little sense.  I can stand by a lot of fucked up things but false advertising?  No way bitch, there's just no way.

PS - I have a Nike hoodie that I wear all the time so everyone should probably call me "Swoosh" from now on.  Just ignore that I'm a skinny white dude who's average (at best) at basketball.  Swoosh it is.  Why you ask?  Because this is fucking America that's why.

Germans Trying to Blame a Barn on Cows and Their Farts

(Source) - A herd of dairy cows nearly lifted the roof off their barn in central Germany when methane released by the animals caused an explosion.

Police in Hesse state said in a statement that a static electric charge apparently triggered the detonation, and a spurt of flame, on Monday at a farm in Rasdorf. The roof was slightly damaged and one cow suffered light burns. No people were hurt.

Police say 90 cows are kept in the shed and it wasn't clear why quantities of methane had built up. Bovine belching and flatulence releases large quantities of the gas.




This is so typical of the Germans, these assholes absolutely refuse to take the blame for anything.  First everything wrong in the world was the Jews' fault, then it was the Hitler and the Nazis, now every time a barn explodes we should just blame the cows for burping and farting too much.  Hey Germany, guess what, cows have been farting for thousands and thousands of years and you don't hear about barns exploding anywhere else in the world.  Maybe just admit that you're too stupid to build a decent barn that doesn't blow up every time the herd gets a little gassy.  What's next, trying to blame Justin Timberlake and Usher for all of the teen pregnancy in the world because their music is "too sexy"*?   Give me a break, your country is 142 years old**.  It's time to grow up and learn to take some responsibility for yourself.










*Their songs honestly might have played a part in a solid 70% of teen pregnancies in America.  Like I truly believe that's a possibility.  You're going to sit there and tell me Lemme See by Usher didn't end up with any teenagers getting pregnant? Yeah...okay.

**Looked it up.

Arizona Animal Shelter Has a 36 Pound Cat Named Meatball

(Source) - An Arizona animal shelter has a rather large cat on its hands.

The Maricopa County Animal Care and Control recently received a 36-pound cat at one of its shelters in the Phoenix area.

The cat named "Meatball" is temporarily staying in an office at the shelter because he's too large to fit into a standard kennel.

The cat is not available for adoption.

Instead, the shelter is trying to place him with a rescue organization that helps overweight cats.

The shelter says Meatball is extremely friendly and says he can comfortably walk despite his weight.



I've said it before and I'll say it again: the only good cat is a dead one.  And if that seems too harsh then how about the only good cat is one that can actually walk around and do some things for itself.  Seriously, why hasn't Meatball been put down yet?  You're telling me that people are actually trying to help this thing lose weight?  Why would anyone do that?  Cats suck to begin with; standoffish and impersonal as fuck, moody, basically the stuck-up tightwad bitch of the domesticated animal kingdom.  And now we're supposed to help something that's not only guaranteed to be an asshole, but is also so irresponsibly gluttonous that it literally ate itself half to death?  No way, fuck that noise.  Fuck weight loss therapy, fuck Meatball getting his own special "kennel" aka taking an actual human being's office for himself, fuck all of it.  You know what would help Meatball?  A needle and some Simon and Garfunkel to play him out.

British Millionaire Divorces Wife Then Asks Her to be His Housekeeper

(Source) - A British millionaire who divorced his ex-wife and moved his new girlfriend into the house while she was still living there couldn't understand why she became "so aggressive" when he asked if she would work as his housekeeper.

The couple, whose names were withheld from British press because it was a private family court matter, were married in the late 1970s and divorced in the 90s.

Despite officially divorcing, the two continued to live in the same home until about five years ago, when the man moved his new girlfriend and her 12-year-old daughter into the house.

At that point, the man apparently asked his fifty-something ex-wife if she would continue living in the house in a new role — his housekeeper.

According to reports, "he could not come to terms with why she, through her lawyers, had become so aggressive."

On Wednesday, a judge ruled she was entitled to about $8 million — half of her ex-husbands estate.

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that this has to be the ballsiest thing I've ever heard of. Asking your bitter, pissed off ex-wife to keep living in the same house as you is one thing, but asking her to do it so you have someone to clean up after your new (younger?) girlfriend and her 12-year-old daughter is clinically psychotic.  This dude should consider himself lucky that he lives in England because if he tried to pull this little stunt in the good ol' U.S. of A I'm fairly certain his ex would have gone all Lorena Bobbitt and chopped his dick off or something.  There's just no fucking way that this goes down that smoothly in the States.  And if it was a black or latino ex wife?  Pff, game over pal. Losing your dick would be the least of your worries if you tried to pull this shit with Shadynasty or Lupita.  Immediate death, no question.  Those women straight up don't play that.  

But as for the judge ruling that she was entitled to 8 million dollars, how does he figure that?  The way I see it, this divorced old bird got to live rent free for a decade.  How is she entitled to anything?  Was she held captive?  Did he secretly tie her up in the basement and rape her, because I could see that being worth like $8 million.  Besides being a complete rube and keeping this bitch around the only other thing I see him doing is offering her a job, so what exactly is he guilty of?  Actually kind of seems like a pretty alright guy.

Let's try to break it down because I just want to make sure I have the whole thing straight:

• The couple divorces.
• Then, out of the goodness of his heart/thickness of his skull, the husband allows his ex-wife to continue living the lifestyle she had grown accustomed to in his home free of charge.  
• Then, because he's a rational adult (besides the whole asking his ex to live with him thing) and a millionaire with tons of options, he chose to move on with his life.  
• Years later, when he wanted his new life partner and her kid to move in, he didn't want to put out his weirdo creep ex-wife who for whatever reason is still cool with hanging around like the clingiest chick of all time. So instead he offers her employment as the housekeeper (kinda degrading but whatever) and the opportunity to stay.  
• Now he's out 8 million bucks. 

K, got it.  Makes total sense, glad we cleared that up.

The Biebs Just Turned Himself In to the Toronto Mounties on an Assault Beef

(Source) - Justin Bieber’s criminal problems just crossed the border.

The pop star turned himself in to Toronto cops Wednesday to face a charge in connection with an alleged assault on a limo driver in late December, according to reports.

Bieber, 19, will be charged at a local police station with a notice to appear at a later date, CBC News said a call to Toronto Police was not immediately returned Wednesday.

According to cops, a limo driver was driving a group that included the “Boyfriend” singer after they attended a Toronto Maple Leafs hockey game on Dec. 29.

“The limo driver called police saying he was assaulted by one of his fares, and his fare included the entourage of Justin Bieber,” Constable Victor Kwong with the Toronto Police Service previously told the Daily News.

Psh, a real rebel would have evaded the Mounties like a boss.  Seriously though, this is classic Biebs.  Do I actually think that he assaulted anyone?  Absolutely not, he's way too big of a pussy for that kind of stuff. The second this kid tries to physically confront an actual adult-sized person is the same second that he signs his own death certificate.  Plus if it actually was Bieber the limo driver would have said, "Yeah, it was that little fuck J Biebs and I want to sue him for millions of dollars," not "Yes, the Bieber was present at the time." But goddamn if this little cuntbag isn't PR savvy.  Recent arrest, the "Bad Boy Biebs" rumors are swirling about, Obama is reviewing some bullshit petition to get him deported - it's the perfect time to head back to Canada and take the rap for some trouble that one of his larger, rowdier secret bodyguard bros for sure started.  Biebs was probably in the back seat trying to decide whether or not he should wear his tight leather pants, baggy leather shirt, or both to the wild Canadian after party he was heading to and whether or not he should wear matching black earrings.  But with the whole big, bad Biebs rep in full swing he figured why not cash in?  Make the world think I'm trouble, let the ladies know I'm unpredictable, and on top of all that get my buddy off on charges. That's win, win, win.

PS - Why does Biebs flex as hard as he can every time he takes a picture?  Bro, we KNOW you're a tiny little pussnugget, you realize we have eyes right?  You don't need to keep flexing for our sake this isn't a Mr. Universe competition.  You're a pop singer dude, no one's expecting you to be a beast.

You Know How Florida is Ranked #3 Right Now? Yeah, Well They Just Got a Whole Lot Better

(Source) - Highly touted Florida Gators freshman Chris Walker has been cleared to play by the NCAA and will be eligible to make his collegiate debut Tuesday at home against Missouri.

The 6-foot-11 Walker, who was ranked 12th in the Class of 2013 by ESPN.com, has been in limbo since being admitted to Florida in December.

Walker has sat the last 12 games while the NCAA has investigated his amateur status.

The NCAA said in a statement that Walker received preferential treatment from five people -- including two agents. Walker will be required to donate the $270 he received from the agents to a charity, and will also serve 80 hours of community service for the remaining benefits received.

Walker is extremely talented and could wind up being a lottery pick, but Gators coach Billy Donovan has cautioned against expecting too much from the long and athletic big man.

The Gators already have veteran big men Patric Young and Will Yeguete. Expect Walker to fill a role for the Gators as a defensive-minded shot blocker who can come off the bench and add depth to the frontcourt.

Billy Donovan has "cautioned against expecting too much" from Chris 'Sky' Walker but fuck that noise.  I'm all about riding the hype train and when a freakishly athletic 6'11 All-American/Swagger Hound like Walker bursts onto the scene I take notice.  Now I'm not saying Florida needs him because they don't but if you don't think Walker is going to begin to log some serious minutes before the end of the season then you are outside of your mind.  Donovan is a great coach and he knows better than anyone that a guy like Walker can be a complete and utter savior come tournament time if something happens to one of your usual guys.  I'm not saying we can expect Julius Randle 2.0 down in Gainesville, but you can bet your ass that SkyWalker is going to be averaging about 20 or so minutes a game just in time to get a feel for the offense before March Madness.

PS - Umm Walker was under investigation for receiving money and cell phones and plane tickets, you name it.  When was the last time you knew a player like that to be comfortable with chilling on the bench and supporting the team as a role player?  Kid has superstar written all over him.