For anyone who actually follows Barstool, you know Lauren Hanley. You know what, no, let me rephrase that. You don't know Hanley, you drool over her scalding in your face, just don't give a fuck hotness. Welp after doing boners for Hanley for months now, she's gone and done the unthinkable. Out of nowhere she decided my dick wasn't worth the time and effort and shoves a big, fat "fuck you" right in my eyeball. Bam, Criss Angel fan. Dick as soft as a warm pretzel.
How? How is it even possible to like Criss Angel? I feel like every year he's the runner up for worst person on the planet, constantly finishing behind people like Saddam Hussein and Osama Bin Laden. Hell, last year I'm pretty sure he finished second in a neck and neck race between him and the Westboro Baptist Church.
So Lauren, I have good news and bad news. The bad news is I've officially unfollowed you on Twitter so I never have to see you say anything this offensive ever again. The good news is that after creeping through your pictures for 5 seconds your boob crease made me forget what I was mad about. Blows my mind how she works me up and calms me down so effortlessly. I guess that's just what love is all about. A little give, a little take, and you shoving your titties in my face to make it all better. Nobody said long distance relationships with girls you've never met and stalk on social media were easy.
PS - If it comes down to a Slim v. DaddyDickBagel fight to the death I don't hate my odds
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