Coffee owns my butthole

Every time I drink coffee, it straight flushes me out. I'm not talking "Oh yeah, coffee makes everyone poop, I get that too." We're talking about some serious shit. Firecracker farts, little turds firing out of my dumper like a Gatling gun. This isn't one trip to the bathroom, maybe two. My bowels mean business. Got to have at least 3 hours set aside within leaping distance to a bathroom. I pop off 4-5 of these bad boy and call it a day. Plus, I've legitimately convinced myself that the clenching makes my core strong as fuck, it's how I make staying in shape with no clear fitness regiment look so effortless. Want a tight bod? Just slam 3 lattes, chain smoke a few cigarettes, plant yourself on a toilet seat and power dump the calories away.