Listen I'm no expert on gift giving and I'll be the first to admit it. I buy my dad tools so he can fix things I break, I told my sisters I wouldn't buy them clothes because their sizes always change. Hell, there was one four year span in my life where every gift I got my mom was either a cleaning utensil or a cookbook. Now I just buy her DVD seasons of shows that inevitably end up in my hands, it's like a indirect gift to myself. I get the goods, she still gets to kid herself about me being a good son, it's a win-win. With that said, despite my complete lack of gift-giving knowledge I can still say one thing with complete, unwavering confidence. The Rockies knocked it out of the fucking ballpark with their retirement gift to Todd Helton: a horse, a black and white fucking stallion. It's perfect. Helton's made his home in Colorado, probably has a ranch. And now he can just gallop through the mountains and valleys of Colorado and act like a motherfucking boss day in and day out for the rest of his life like sort sort of Rocky Mountain myth. Half baseball player, half cowboy, basically the story of his life. Fucking poetic Rockies, two thumbs up.
PS - 0% chance Helton's wife's panties aren't drenched right now. Her old marriage literally just turned into sexual fantasy. Think about it - Todd Helton, ranch hand. Mend some fences, shred some vagina, just a storybook ending to a great career. Really couldn't be happier for him he's one of baseball's classiest guys.
PPS - I know she's his daughter but is Helton grabbing tit right now?
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