The Gronk situation in New England

Alright so basically people are starting to get anxious and wonder when Gronk is going to come back for the Patriots, he's been practicing with the team and all has looked well so people are wondering why he hasn't come back to the games yet. Basically, the guy had 5 surgeries in the offseason and obviously he's going to want to recover as fully as possible before coming back to play. He's extremely young and has a long and illustrious career ahead of him, just as long as he can stay healthy. Given that the Pats are 3-0 and seem to get a little better in their offensive sets with every game, I say sit Gronk until you absolutely need him. If they beat a good Falcons team this weekend without one of their best receiving targets (and a huge blocker for them as well), then I say continue to let Gronk rehab and participate in practices until he feels 100%. Would you like to see Gronk play if you're a Pats fan? Absolutely. But a win's a win, and as long as those keep piling up then why rush back someone so crucial to your team's future success?

PS - I'm playing a team with Gronk in fantasy this week and two that have him next week so the Pats should probably just sit him

Burger King's low fat fries are a game changer

(Reuters) - Burger King Worldwide Inc, known for its "Whopper" hamburgers, has introduced lower-fat french fries as consumer groups and nutrition experts in the United States increase pressure on the food industry to offer healthier alternatives.

The Miami-based hamburger chain late on Monday said its new "Satisfries" contain 40 percent less fat and 30 percent fewer calories than those sold by archrival McDonald's Corp, which is widely considered to have the fast-food industry's most popular french fries.

To that end, Burger King will sell its new fries for a premium, at a suggested price of $1.89 for a small portion versus $1.59 for its existing fries. A small serving of the new Satisfries has 270 calories and 11 grams of fat, while the older Burger King fries have 340 calories and 15 grams of fat.

Boom, obesity crisis averted. BK just saved America. Your move McDonald's.

PS - effort put into this blog on my part = minimal.

What's Starlin Castro's deal?

Starlin Castro came into the league and immediately became a household name in Chicago. First couple years the kid managed to hit .300 and nab about 70 RBIs. For Christ's sake he had over 200 hits in 2011. Then last year it got a little worse, no worries, just a little slump he'll be fine. End of the year you picked it up a bit and I stayed calm, I got over it. But this year, well this year has been a fucking train wreck for Starlin, not to mention the fact that he makes an error every other play (but that's always happened). Here's your warning Starlin, right here. Javier Baez is looking good in the minors. Like real fucking good, like franchise player good, and you're officially on notice. Pull your shit together we just signed you long term you fucking halfwit.

Oh and this kinda stuff legitimately makes you look retarded.




PS - I know people are bitching about Rizzo too but keep in mind that this is the kid's first full year in the big leagues. He should improve into a solid clean-up guy with about 30 or so homers a year. That's the only reason I'm even frustrated with Castro. Kid's been in the league for four years, he shouldn't be tailing off at this point.

I get that the song is 'Enter Sandman' but can Mariano Rivera just leave already

DS - Tonight will be Mariano Rivera's final home game, a meaningless one since the Yankees were officially eliminated from postseason play last night. It'll be just the second time in his 19-year career that Rivera won't pitch into October. So today's the day for tributes.

MLB has chipped in, producing the above video, and taking out a full-page ad that will run today in four newspapers: the New York Post, the Daily News, Metro New York, and USA Today.

Alright I haven't talked about this yet, but what's going on with all the gifts to Mariano Rivera? Like I totally understand the Yankees honoring him; he was with them for a number of World Series titles, lock down closer for two decades, Yankee great, all that nonsesne. I totally get that. But why is every other team doing this? Did everyone do this for Randy Johnson or Greg Maddux when they retired and I just missed it? Is this a normal thing? For teams to just act like complete candy asses and honor a great baseball player that tormented them for years? The Red Sox basically made a highlight reel so Mo relive their World Series win back in '04 so I can respect that but everyone else? And now the MLB is doing it too? Has any player retired with as much fanfare as Mariano Rivera? Come on he's like one step above being the kicker on a football team. I'm sorry but I'm just not gonna stand for it. Fuck Mariano Rivera, fuck the Yankees, and fuck giving retirement gifts unless its a goddamned horse. If every team in the league gave Mariano Rivera a horse I wouldn't say a word but all this sentimental bullshit for some guy who averaged an inning of play per game over his career is blowing way the fuck out of proportion. Oh and by the way, Metallica's a band full of beatdicks so fuck them too.

Oh and Mo, all those paintings of you just got put on notice by this guy. Todd Helton Centaur.

So the Rockies gave Todd Helton a horse

Listen I'm no expert on gift giving and I'll be the first to admit it. I buy my dad tools so he can fix things I break, I told my sisters I wouldn't buy them clothes because their sizes always change. Hell, there was one four year span in my life where every gift I got my mom was either a cleaning utensil or a cookbook. Now I just buy her DVD seasons of shows that inevitably end up in my hands, it's like a indirect gift to myself. I get the goods, she still gets to kid herself about me being a good son, it's a win-win. With that said, despite my complete lack of gift-giving knowledge I can still say one thing with complete, unwavering confidence. The Rockies knocked it out of the fucking ballpark with their retirement gift to Todd Helton: a horse, a black and white fucking stallion. It's perfect. Helton's made his home in Colorado, probably has a ranch. And now he can just gallop through the mountains and valleys of Colorado and act like a motherfucking boss day in and day out for the rest of his life like sort sort of Rocky Mountain myth. Half baseball player, half cowboy, basically the story of his life. Fucking poetic Rockies, two thumbs up.

PS - 0% chance Helton's wife's panties aren't drenched right now. Her old marriage literally just turned into sexual fantasy. Think about it - Todd Helton, ranch hand. Mend some fences, shred some vagina, just a storybook ending to a great career. Really couldn't be happier for him he's one of baseball's classiest guys.

PPS - I know she's his daughter but is Helton grabbing tit right now?

Drake's "relationship" with Johnny Football creeps me the fuck out

XXLMag - On a whirlwind of a media tour due to the release of “NWTS”, Drake stopped by to chat with ESPN earlier today. Speaking on his relationship with Texas A&M quarterback, Johnny Manziel, the rapper spoke about harshness of the media’s spotlight, saying that his eyes are always wide open.

Telling that he’s extremely cautious when he goes out, especially when it comes to taking pictures, Drizzy assured that he’s always on his best behavior when out in public. Also touching on Johnny’s OVO tattoo, Drizzy told that he’s very protective of the football player and sort of looks to him like a brother

Look, I'm not here to trash Johnny Manziel. Johnny Football's a cannon. The kid's untouchable on the field, he throws straight bullets, defenders can't catch him, and is a total nightmare for any and all coaches going up against A&M. Off the field he's even better: slams beer, slays bitches, and has basically done legit whatever the fuck he's wanted since winning the Heisman. But Drake got a little weird today on ESPN talking about how he's got this super fulfilling and enriching "relationship" with Manziel and he can't wait to be friends forever and go to his wedding* and their kids to grow up together and fuck and have mostly white, but technically multi-racial babies and then they get married, and have more Manziel-Drake hybrids who then in turn fuck each other and create some really really weird kids that nobody really talks to and knows there's something off about them but you just can't quite put their finger on it...Come on dude, relax, you're mid-twenties pushing towards the tail end. He was getting drunk before his high school prom like 2 years ago, you're coming in hot as fuck. You literally just met this kid a few months ago, stop talking about writing Johnny Football songs Drake, people are going to start thinking you do boners for A&M games or something.


*that's it, just the wedding.


PS - Couple of Drake's favorite teams to watch are the Heat, the Thunder, and Kentucky. He also managed to point out that the Thunder are going to sneak up on some people this year. The Thunder? Like the Oklahoma City Thunder? With those B-List stars Kevin Durant and Russell Westbrook. Psh no way, Drake, just no way.

Gotta admit, kinda offended here

So earlier today on Barstool KFC blogged about what each of the 50 states is supposedly the worst at. He mentioned how Illinois should be murder because Chicago's the so-called murder capital of the world but didn't really dwell on it too much because the guy's got 49 more states to go, he can't be getting caught up in one thing....I don't have that same problem. What the fuck dude? I'm not saying that Chicago doesn't have shitloads of robberies because when I was a kid I got mugged, and I've literally been in a race against time once when I was 11 and had four unique kids chasing me down trying to get my bike (Dyno with pegs, yes they got it). But murders are our thing. That's Illinois' bread and butter. Sure, nobody wants to be that state, the "murder" state, but how the fuck are we supposed to solve the problem if we're not even acknowledging it as our main concern? Couldn't we just give New York robbery and slap a big, bold "MURDER" over the Land of Lincoln, I think we need to compromise on this one. I wanna see murder up there where murder damn well belongs.

PS - North Datoka = Fugglyville, USA

Rashad Johnson losing his finger is the least news-worthy news of all time

CBSSports - Easily the most gruesome moment of Week 3 was the news of Cardinals safety Rashad Johnson losing the top of his middle finger during Arizona's game Sunday. Making matters even more squemish was Johnson finding out that his finger was lopped off when he pulled off his glove.

So everyone's been talking about how gross Rashad Johnson losing his "finger" was. Am I just crazy or is this just slightly worse than a hangnail? Like he lost his fingernail and a chunk of useless flesh and that's it. Is he even gonna miss a game? Bro relax you got a boo boo, you're a professional athlete. Kevin Ware got his leg snapped in half, literally had it dangle in the air by shreds of tendon while we all threw up on our dicks and he still looked for less attention on social media than you did. Compared to that this is a fucking paper cut.

Sunday NFL recap: what we learned

Just a few things we've learned in the past few days. The Patriots are still the Patriots, it's just going to take a little time for the rookie receivers to adjust, and with Gronk coming back in the next game or so they're only going to get deadlier. Geno Smith and EJ Manuel both look pretty good, something I honestly didn't expect at all but for now they've impressed me. The 49ers might not be as deadly as we all thought. No doubt they're still one of the best teams in the NFL but Kaepernick isn't looking as flawless as he was last year and they're having some trouble running the ball. The Jets have already have two wins, which was basically what I expected them to total all year. Their defense still looks fairly strong and, again, Geno Smith's looked good considering the hand he's been dealt in New York. The Packers defense is still pretty bad, but their offense has struggled at points too - something no one really expected to happen. Their quarterback's an absolute stud and their receivers are great, but they might have the worst o-line in the league. Chicago looks like the top dogs in the NFC North for now. Offense has looked great, there's been lot of balance between the running and passing attacks. More importantly though the veterans on defense have kept the old style of play very much alive. Turnovers every game, bend don't break, classic Bears football.

Oh, and the Giants fucking blow, absolutely terrible, basically the story of the NFC East's life. Tons of hype for every team because ESPN loves the East coast and the fucking Cowboys, pretty much looking like 9-7 seasons across the board with one bottom feeder, probably Washington this year. Offense isn't running as smooth as it did last year, defense might be the worst in the league. I'm not saying they won't figure it out but by the time they do I think it'll be too late for this season. Philly's defense is absolute trash too, offense looks pretty good but they're still turning the ball over. Pittsburgh looked better (still not great), just doesn't seem like its their year. Carolina's defense ain't nothin' to fuck with. With Kuechly in the middle and Beason right there with him this team's gonna be solid on that side of the ball for awhile. Andrew Luck and Trent Richardson looks like Peyton Manning/Edgerrin James 2.0. Indy's made it very clear that they're building something for the long haul and they look good. Ravens still got some bark to their bite, and I still despise Joe Flacco. The Dolphins feel like a fluke, and don't worry the Falcons will pick it up, no reason to panic. Two tough losses on the road for ATL, they'll get back after it next week. The Saints are back to old form with Sean Payton back behind the steering wheel, Seattle's dominant, Andy Reid looks like the Kool-Aid man down in Kansas City, and the Rams are still missing pieces.

All I got.

Texas A&M got a decent amount of booster money this year

ESPN - Texas A&M's move to the Southeastern Conference was something school president R. Bowen Loftin called a "100-year decision" when it occurred. Turns out it was one of several factors that helped contribute to hundreds of millions in increased donations for the school. 

The university raised more than $740 million in donations in the past fiscal year, the school announced on Tuesday. The total, documented between Sept. 1, 2012, and Aug. 31, 2013, is a school record and more than $300 million better than any previous 12-month period in the school's history.

Since last summer, the athletics program alone completed a 20,000-square foot football-only weight room and an athletics nutrition center behind the Bright Football Complex. It also is putting the finishing touches on a new lobby at the front of Bright and announced plans for a $450 million renovation of Kyle Field that will be completed in 2015. The new stadium plans call for a seating capacity of 102,500.

$740 million?...Seven hundred and forty million dollars? Wonder why all the sudden they're donating crazy record amounts over at A&M? Oh, the move to the SEC, gotta be it. Definitely not Johnny Football being one of the most electric college athletes ever, nope gotta be the SEC, only explanation. I have absolutely no problem with this, A&M is gonna use a shitload of this money to make an insane stadium and recruit more ridiculous talent to ease the loss of #2. But fuck, 3/4 of a billion dollars!? That's straight baller status, Aggies.

Johnny gets it. All about that money!

T-Rich to the Colts, Browns to begin rebuilding process for 14th time in last decade

So long Cleveland! Earlier today the Cleveland Browns decided to trade Trent Richardson to the Colts in exchange for a second first round pick in the 2014 draft. Honestly, I see this as a win for both teams. The Colts lost Ballard for the season last week and came away from this trade with an even better back than the one they started the season with. He can run, he can block, and he can catch out of the backfield, which is something that's only going to help Andrew Luck. Even though the Colts offensive line isn't quite as good as the Browns', Richardson's never been on a team that was a consistent threat in the passing game. If the Colts keep the play calling balanced you can expect to see T-Rich thrive in this offense. On the Browns end, they continue to stock up more and more picks in next years draft. They've got two picks in each of the first four rounds. With enough smart picks in the first two rounds, and enough good value at the tail end of the draft, this is the best chance for Cleveland to actually rebuild their team into something a coach can fucking work with for once.


"K, see ya!"

       -Trent Richardson after hearing he can leave Cleveland

In case you were wondering Snoop Dogg still smokes weed occasionally even though he's now Snoop Lion

Hey what has Snoop been up to lately? Oh nothing just gambling with giant garbage bags of weed and then posting pictures of it for the world to see. Seriously though Snoop what the fuck man, my bags of groceries aren't as big as this sack of weed. Guy says he smokes 81 blunts a day. Sick bro, that's not cool that just makes you a glutton, and what's rule number one of religion? God hates gluttons. New religion, new morals, new Snoop. No more hardcore rap, no more violence, just keeping it PG and betting on two dudes beating the shit out of each other for mass quantities of ganja. New leaf city.

My favorite part of this is the stereotypical overconfident Mexican pride by Lui here. Honestly is there any race with more undeserved national pride than Mexico? Yeah Lui, your country's economy is in the shitter, and sure people are literally running away from their homes to start over somewhere new but fuck it, viva Mexico!

PS - a black rail-thin Rastafarian Captain America...that's rich

Steve Smith not saying Kerry Rhodes is a gay, but at the same time basically saying that Kerry Rhodes is definitely gay

Steve Smith talks about Kerry Rhodes

Steve Smith decided to go on a Carolina radio show and during his interview the question of why Kerry Rhodes hasn't found his way onto a team yet came up, despite his being listed as a top 30 safety. Rumors have been flying around for awhile about Rhodes being gay, but Steve Smith wasn't going to lend to those rumors at all, no way, not subtle Stevie Smith. Why hasn't one of the better safeties in the league found his way onto a team? Come on dude, Steve doesn't know, he doesn't know Kerry. Next question. Dude relax with the Kerry the fairy questions, he doesn't know him, do you not get that or something? They don't go in the same circles bro, ok? They ain't in the same circles. Are you listening, they ain't in the same circles. By the way I don't care how gay someone is, if you're one of the worst team defenses against the pass in a a league that's passing more than ever then you go out and grab talent.

PS - Sucks for Kerry that his name rhymes flawlessly with fairy. And his last name is Rhodes? Absolutely brutal, hmm Kerry Rhodes what? Dick, guys. Kerry rode dick.*


*Allegedly (imagine the italicized are me saying it really, really sarcastically)

Got the fever real bad guys

Everyone's heard about how crazy redheads are in bed. Well its never really effected me before because I've never spent a significant amount of time around a really hot one. That has changed in the most drastic way possible as of late. I'm seeing red headed dimes all over the place now and with each passing one my pants grow tighter. I need a redhead and I need one now. I want to experience whatever ginger fire it is they've got going on because I've got the fever, and the only prescription is a twice-daily dose of firecrotch. Burning loins guys, burning loins.

PS - is it weird that I don't want them to be completely cleaned up down there? Like I think a thin reddish-orange landing strip would pretty much be the bees knees in this situation.

PPS - Lohan back in the day? Just stop

Swazi bro makin' marriage look easy

Wives on deck - Swaziland's King Mswati III has chosen an 18-year-old beauty pageant contestant as his 14th wife, a palace spokesman said Tuesday, days before a much-criticised parliamentary vote.

Mswati, a 45-year-old who is sub-Saharan Africa's last absolute monarch, introduced Sindiswa Dlamini at a Reed Dance celebration over the weekend, Mtetwa told AFP. She wore red feathers on her head -- a sign of royalty. The young woman graduated from Mbabane's St. Francis High School last year and is a finalist in the Miss Cultural Heritage beauty pageant. The winner will be announced on September 28.

The wedding only takes place once the fiancee falls pregnant. Dlamini will then become Mswati's 14th wife

Three wives left the household in recent years. The latest, Queen LaGija, fled the palace in 2012 claiming years of physical and emotional abuse. Another queen, LaDube, was reportedly abused after she was caught in bed with the justice minister, a close friend of the king. Mswati had kidnapped and married the queen when she was 16 in 2005.

So the King of Swaziland (it's in Africa, where else would it be) just recently managed to hand select his 14th wife from a national beauty pageant or something like that. Check out this fucking guy, people getting divorced left and right and he just keeps getting married like nobody's business. Hand-picking prime 18 year old African girls to essentially hold them hostage. Kidnapping a 16 year old, no biggie, just the king doing what kings do. Gotta love Swaziland "tradition" too, marriage doesn't count unless she gets pregnant, no use strutting around you prepubescent Nubian queen if she's damaged goods. The monarchy game is about one thing and one thing only, carrying on the family business, and you need kids for that shit.

My question is this: do the queens like catfight? Like who's the top queen? There's fourteen of them now, bound to be a pecking order of some kind right? Oh and Mswati, just out of curiosity, on a continent riddled with AIDS is having multiple sexual partners really the smartest thing to do? Just a thought, do you though.

PS - Obviously Mswati kidnapping and beating his wives is a no-no but was anyone else like "Oh, just kidnapping and spousal abuse? In Africa? Well actually for Africa that's not too bad, could have been waaaay worse."

King Swaziland looks so much like Carl from Family Matters. Point Swazi.

Quick word about Kings of Leon's new album

Most of you probably know Kings from "Use Somebody" and "Sex on Fire" and their last album, which as most of you know blew taint wasn't the greatest thing in the world. Then they had the big controversy with their lead singer Caleb leaving the concert and going to rehab, some thought they'd break up, they didn't. Personally I love Kings of Leon and I've loved them for about a decade now. Their early shit like Aha Shake and Youth and Young Manhood was fire, closest thing to real rock and roll in the new millennium. Not to mention Because of the Times with songs like "Black Thumbnail" and "Arizona". "Trani" might even be my favorite song of all time, gotta watch the live version though, skinny little cunts go absolutely off.

But they've come out with a new album and most of you have probably already heard their single "Supersoaker", but I'm here with an early review of the rest of the thing. If you're looking for a complete throwback to the older stuff then you're gonna be disappointed. There's still some of the anthem-y arena rock ballads, but there's a couple throwback songs that'll still catch your ear. "Rock City" has a modern Tom Petty feel in a way, pretty solid choice. "Tonight" is one of the slow ones on the album, no doubt one of their arena ballads. Tend not to lock the slower songs when it comes to rock, but this one's pretty catchy, even has a bit of a Bruce Springsteen sound during the chorus with the piano in the background. I say it has a Springsteen feel loosely, literally just at the one part.  Another kind of throwback sound they have is in "Temple." Resembles their Aha Shake days more than anything they've written in awhile. Just got into the album a couple hours ago so I still don't have much for a detailed review, plus even if I did I'm not even fucking qualified to do it. People who read music reviews are losers anyways. Like its too hard to judge it yourself? Dude, you've got ears and opinions, figure it out.

Overall Grade = B-, still has some bright spots but honestly I was hoping for a little more

Rock City:

Tonight:

Fucking Guinness

God damn you Guinness. Every time I watch this commercial it never seems to register its just a beer commercial. But that's the thing, it's not just a beer commercial, its an homage to friendship, to loyalty among bros. Wheelchair basketball game, I'm thinking a Special Olympics commercial or something for veterans and then poof, everyone can walk, just a few buddies doing their part for their boy in a wheelchair. Fucking inspired. Absolutely beautiful. And don't even get me started on the sentimental music in the background. Are you kidding me with that? Chills every time, never fails.

Fasten your seat belts, the shackles are off Miley

What did I say? Hey Miley, if you really want to grab the crazy by the balls the only way to do it is ditch that wet fucking blanket you call a fiance. Next thing you know the baddest bitch in entertainment is trading in that Australian disco stick for some fresh meat. Shackles are off, game on, LET'S FUCKING GO! Can't wait for all the traditional rebellious starlet guarantees: cooter shots, nip slips, throwing the fact that she smokes cigarettes in our faces to help fully comprehend just how rebellious she is. I'm not gonna lie I'm a little chubbed just thinking about all the slutty things she's gonna do. You think the MTV Awards were something, just you wait and see what she has in store for us, so much dickwrecking and drug use, so many mug shots, maybe a violent crime or two if we're lucky, jesus who knows. Literally so much potential right here, and all this with Miles' 21st birthday right around the corner. Convenient timing? Yeah I'd say so. Say whatever you want about how she's been drinking and doing drugs forever and her 21st isn't a big deal, but let's be honest there isn't a single kid in America that doesn't go off on their 21st. It's a rite of passage, everybody knows that, and oh my god what I wouldn't give to be invited to that fucking party. Absolute blowout, biggest lock of the century. Drugs, strippers, possible bestiality, and a sex-crazed, unfathomably unsober* Miley Cyrus acting as ringleader to the whole charade. Sounds decent I guess.

If that face doesn't say Cock Fiend then what the hell does?

*Unsober's not a real word. Go figure.

Hey Urlacher, what gives bro?

Last year was the final season for one of the most celebrated and decorated Chicago Bears of all time: Brian Urlacher. #54 was an absolute terror on the field for thirteen seasons as a Bear and anchored the second coming of Chicago's "Monsters of the Midway." Undoubtedly a Hall of Famer, beloved by all in Chicago. Since his retirement he's accepted a position at Fox Sports (which I've been oogling because of my girl Charissa), but lately it seems like all he's been doing is nitpicking about the Bears. Hey bro, what gives? First he goes and says that we take dives and fake injuries, and I get that every team does it and it's not a big deal so whatever, I let that slide. But now he's talking about how Cutler won't call him back and how the organization was rude to him when he left. Seriously that's what he said, the amount of money was fine, taking a back seat was fine, but they weren't nice about how they presented it...joke. And Bri, Jay's kinda busy being a hollywood movie star on The League and smashing loins with K-Cav so yeah, he'll get to it when he gets to it. Don't get me wrong I still absolutely love Urlacher, he's BY FAR the best Bear I've gotten to see in my lifetime and is easily one of the most dominant linebackers to ever play the game, I'd just prefer he toned down the negative Bears talk a little bit. And yes I'm totally aware that most of this is just random murmurs and media bullshit but I'm just saying, slippery slope.

                                                                                                                                                                  

 

Brownie points has a new meaning folks

The term brownie points is used all the time, but its too innocent for me. I'm an adult, and for adults it should mean something new, something excited. From now on, brownie points equals working your way towards anal. Its all about introducing my one eyed to a chicks brown eye. Game on bitches.

brownie points = does anal

PS - This isn't really gonna help me or anyone else get to buttsmash a broad but at the end of the day its all about setting goals for yourself. If you're not shooting for something then what the hell are you doing? Going for broke, buttsmash or bust.

PPS -  I think I could probably be a motivational speaker. Kind of inspired myself with this one. 

Charissa putting Fox Sports on her back

I'm not gonna lie, I've been watching Fox Sports...is it the best network? No. Are the analysts any more likable, the commentary any more knowledgeable, the analysis any different than on ESPN? No, no, and no. With the exception of Brian Urlacher there's not much out of their group of analysts and if I'm being honest I'm less focused on what he's saying and more focused on the fact that he's Brian Urlacher and in any given situation on earth, he belongs, don't question it, he just does. But Fox Sports, you little fucking rascals! They got the talent, but what's even more impressive is how they use it. I've seen Erin Andrews for about 12 seconds plus I think I'm kinda done with her, a smoke somewhere else in every single show on the channel, and then good old Charissa straight up putting the team on her back.  I know some people would consider it sacrilege to suggest that Erin Andrews isn't all that and bag of tits, but she's in her mid 30s and looking noticeably older every year. I'm by no means saying she's not a ten because she's an absolute twelve but she should be gracefully making her way into the milf phase of her life and she's still stuck acting like a college co-ed. Once you hit 40 that cute and ditzy thing is pretty much out the window. Erin, the clock is ticking; adjust your approach or make way for a real-life slutty sorority girl. Oh but Charissa? Actually being likable enough to listen to? Check. Young enough to still look very much at home at a college gameday? Check. Showing up to work in skintight leather pants and loose-fitting breezy "work attire" that hangs ever-so-gently off your perky bosom? Hard check. Just earning every single cent of that paycheck. I see you Charissa, I see you.

PS - Urlacher's all over that, no doubt.

How are we not talking about the inevitable downfall of Miley Cyrus

Alright so earlier today on Barstool KFC wrote about Miley Cyrus and how she's totally untouchable with her devil-don't-give-a-fuck attitude or whatever. But I call people cunts literally every single day. She admitted to smoking weed and getting fucked up on the reg, but holy shit! Foul language!? No fucking way!...yes way, foul people say foul shit (we certainly do). I mean I get it, I see where he's coming from and I'm not denying what he's saying at all. Thought the 8 Mile Papa Doc reference was fire, but no offense to KFC, but I feel like he's working the baby steps while my minds already thinking big picture. There's a few questions I want to know the answers to. Could Miley be the next Bynes? Could anyone be the next Bynes? There's a storm coming, we all see it coming. How far are we from the downfall? The VMAs were a wake-up call to all of us. Before it was just ooh, she cut her hair, that's crazy wow what a rebel! Then she hopped out onto the stage with a couple of teddy bears on bath salts and smashed loins with Thicke. To top it all off she's gives the most demented "hate-fuck me" face I've ever seen. I was honestly kind of shocked they showed it on television. That one look was x-rated in the most depraved psychotic (best?)* way EVER. I see the fallout, it's on the horizon. The only thing holding her back is that pussy from the Hunger Games. He's the only thing keeping her sane. Hey bro, she loves the attention, stop talking sense into her, just back the fuck off and let us enjoy the show.



*Best = we're doing boners for it


PS - Everybody relax about the tongue thing, it's called going through your Jordan phase, mine's lasted like 24 years but whatever everybody's different. It's totally natural, every kid from Chicago goes through it so back off of Miley for that. Don't worry Miles, I gotchu girl.

Twinsies.

Always have this day to remember why America's the best country on the planet

Obviously everyone already knows its the anniversary of the terrorist attacks on September 11th, 2001. As tragic as it was, every single year at this time we remember those we lost and tip our hats to all of those involved in the rescue and volunteer efforts. For me today is just another yearly reminder (one of many) of just how fucking great this country is. What other country flat out drops everything and immediately rushes to assist in any and all ways possible? It still blows me away to this day, there's absolutely no other country with the sense of community that the U.S.A. has. Do we have our problems and disagree? Yeah, called democracy, kinda the foundation of our entire nation. But when the shit hits the fan panic mode doesn't exist for us, it's how can I help? Where do you need me? When can we leave? Say whatever you want about this country but you can't deny one thing, it's chock fucking full of heroes and every 9/11 is just one more reminder of that.

Is it gay that I'm excited to see Jay Cutler's hair on Sunday?

Is it gay that I'm legitimately ecstatic to watch the Bears play on Sunday? No absolutely not, couldn't be less gay. But is it gay that I'm giddy to see Jay Cutler showcase his always impossibly and impeccably quaffed hair? Listen, it's definitely not straight, but if that's gay then guess who's gay - this guy. Fucking football is back tonight and everybody has their things to look forward to. After watching Cutler guess absolutely pummeled the last few years (a big reason for his lessened performance) there has always been one constant - the man's hair is fucking fresh. Oh just got cheap shot by Ndamukong Suh, no biggy I'll just trot to the sideline, casually peel off my helmet full of grass in the face mask and BAM! It's an organized mess, the perfect really-don't-give-a-shit-but-i'm-still-a-fucking-renaissance-man follicular masterpiece, just a clean and crisp side quaffe right in our faces all day long. Honestly, put Jay Cutler in a lineup with every other NFL quarterback and tell someone who knows zero about football to pick the best, the leader of the group.  99 times out 100 they're going with Cutty, the one time they don't is because Cam Newton is big and black terrifying and scares them into it, which really shouldn't even count as a win.

PS - Has anyone, like honestly anyone in the entire world even attempted to rock a vest since Cutty put a Pretty Boy beatdown on this one last year?

Don't fuck with my "Me" time

There's literally one sanctuary for me in this world, and my father and his father before him both held this place sacred as well. My brother shares the same ideology, a tradition passed from generation to generation in the Jones house. Baseball is America's Past time, shitting my face off takin' poops is mine. I don't ask for much; give me ten minutes, maybe fifteen. I zone out and slip into my imagination for a quick tick for a little spot of R and R. Go into the hot box* bursting at the seams with all your troubles and dump that shit right into that magnificently chilled porcelain bowl.  It's like my version of going to confession if I were religious, which I'm not because participation on Sundays kinda conflicts with my what I've got going on (I have nothing going on). My mood depends on how recently I've defecated. That's just pure, unadulterated fact. Oh and probably should have put this first but this blog has no point and yes, is just me talking about how much I love snapping off a deuce every now and again**.

I put two semicolons in this blog just to be an aristocrat, arguably the classiest punctuation there is. Not really sure how they work, but it's more about just looking like you know what you're doing so yeah, semicolons. More where that came from.

*family term for bathroom

**4-5 daily

Class Update

Class size = 22. Number of guys = 3. Me and two others...both total gayballs. Only option right here ladies, try and avoid me now. Slam dunk class selection. Way to be Slim, way to be.

Naming your black baby

Over the weekend I was talking with my black buddy and we got on the topic of "black names." You know, the Jadeveons and JaMarcuses of the world. But it got me thinking, if my kid came out black for whatever reason, either I married a black chick (doubtful, but theoretically possible) or my kid inherited some long lost mega-tan pigmentation gene in my DNA, what would I name him? The question obviously applies for both black girls and boys, but for the sake of shortness I'm just going to hammer out a boy's name. Now there's the traditional ones like Jamaal and Marcus, but those are pretty fucking played out if you ask me. I could go with something traditional and just add La to it - LaMichael or LaGarrett.  Andre would be great because it allows for the nickname Dre - pretty much the filthiest three letter name of all time. In terms of athletes there's plenty to choose from: Dez, Anfernee, and Joakim are all plus names. I could always just take the Dwyane Wade route and take a normal name but misspell it a little bit to show The Man what's what. Just be like hey, fuck you, yes I know how to spell it but I'm above that shit so deal with it. At the end of the day though I'm white, and technically my son will be somewhat white too, so that only leaves one obvious choice right?  What I need is a name that sounds like its totally white, but is spelled like its totally black. Then it hit me, there's really only one option, courtesy of the NBA. Jrue. Sure it sounds like Drew no matter who's saying it, but is it Drew, one of the whitest names around? Is it really Drew at all? No chance idiot. Its JRUE, totally fucking different. So black, so sick. Welcome to the family Jrue Jones.

PS - If he has a sister then her name is 1,000% gonna be "Trew", just so I can be that guy. Hey society, check me out breaking all the rules over here