Breaking Down Barstool's #Hamburgergate

Alright so I felt the need to say my piece on the matter.  I'm going to break this argument down bit by bit, Barstool employee by Barstool employee and at the end of it we'll be done with it forever.  We won't need any more chatter about this because I'll have gotten to the bottom of it just like I do everything else because it's what sleuths such as myself do.  We dig for answers and we find them.  I didn't ask for this burden, but this is the hand I was dealt so I make the best of it.  Some people sit on their asses and believe whatever the hell people tell them and others are truth seekers, real godly men.  I am the latter.  So without further ado here are the answers that you all seek:


Issue #1: Hamburger vs. Cheeseburger

They're two different things.  Hamburger is without cheese, cheeseburger is with it.  Basically the simplest fucking concept in the history of concepts.  Hamburger is meat and a bun with traditional toppings (lettuce, tomato, onions, pickle, whatever).  If you don't want the toppings then you ask for a "hamburger, no _____." The second cheese is added to a hamburger it becomes a cheeseburger.  The only goddamn reason we call it a cheeseburger is because of the fact that there is cheese on it.  "Hamburger" implies no cheese every day of the week on every continent on earth.  The fact that this kick-started an entire day of argument is absolutely mindblowing to me.

"Burger" is an acceptable term for both.  But if someone specifically asks for a hamburger you either  a.) ask to make sure that's what they really want because they're clearly too thick to get it right, or b.) get them a hamburger, and if they throw a fit because they wanted cheese, call them a retard for not knowing what a cheeseburger is and tell them to go fuck themselves.  Only mature way to go about it. What you never do is assume that someone means cheeseburger when they ask for a hamburger.  That's the most ignorant thing I've ever heard of.


Side by side comparison: the one on the left (with cheese) is a cheeseburger. On the right (the hamburger without any cheese on it) is a hamburger.



Here's another example.  On top (no cheese) = hamburger.  The bottom (with cheese) = cheeseburger.





Issue #2: Louis.

Um who the hell is Louis?  Does anyone know?  Is he Sales Guy's behind the scenes right hand man or something?  Hey Louis, if the world actually wanted to hear your opinion on things then maybe you would be a BLOGGER for the BLOG that you work for.  Unfortunately you're a halfwit who can't even seem to work out the difference between a hamburger and a cheeseburger so let's keep that trap shut tight bro.  Do you also think that a burrito is just a really big taco?  Is a tuna steak just tuna salad that people forgot to add mayonnaise, onion, and celery to?  Do you call fries without cheese cheese fries?  No.  So stop it Louis, just stop it.

Do us all a favor and go back to whatever dark corner of Barstool headquarters you crawled out of.  I'm sure you're a nice guy and that's great, and you're probably funny as hell and awesome at a bunch of other stuff not related to having an opinion to share with the public.  But don't bring that weak ass shit in my face when I barely have any idea who you even are.  Lou, let's just keep you out of the picture and your voice out of the equation.  You remember Wilson from Home Improvement?  Be a completely silent version of that.

In all fairness to Louis, "Who the fuck orders a hamburger?" is actually a pretty valid question, and one that I'll get to later.


Issue #3: KFC and the Cyclops

I love KFC and his blogging so this actually hurts a little bit because I've basically agreed with everything he's ever said and done aside from when he tries to participate in sports.  I gotta be honest this pissed me off though.  Listen, I'm all for recycling funny jokes and wearing them out like an old punching bag, but all this cyclops business wasn't the least bit funny to begin with and he just refused to let it go. "Pres called it a cyclops, no way! That's like the craziest most hysterical thing anyone's ever said!!! Did you hear me? HE CALLED THE BURGER A FUCKING CYCLOPS!"




No Kevin, he didn't mean a tripod.  He meant a cyclops, just let it go.


Check in 10 hours later...



Nuts. Hilarious. Gold.


And like I said, as much as I would love to watch KFC rip apart Pageviews' intelligence and overall character I just can't stand for it in this situation.

Cyclops have one eye, fact. That large yellow glob of cheese surrounded by the brown of the burger itself resembles the singular eye of a cyclops, fact.  What was confusing about this?  Open and shut case. Cyclops issue resolved.




Issue #4: The Attack on Pres for Liking Plain Hamburgers

Would I personally ask for a plain hamburger?  Absolutely not, but at the same time Pres is the type of guy who would rather have a slice of plain cheese pizza with no toppings, crushed red pepper, or parmesan either.  The man is a traditionalist.  He wants the most basic ingredients and he wants them to taste good so he can tell the true quality of what he's eating.  A burger with cheese and all the toppings is going to be better every single time, but if you don't think that all of those extras hide the real quality of the burger then you're out of your mind.  Pres doesn't want that.  He wants the centerpieces of the meal and he wants them to be delicious by themselves.  That way he can tell the real quality of the product he's getting.  If you think that's weird as fuck that's because it is, but at least it's consistent with the rest of his diet.  You can't get mad at someone for having a preference.  If he were all over the map with what he likes then it would be different but the fact of the matter is that this is textbook Pageviews, there's just no getting around it.

The brutally honest way to put it is to say that he has the palate of a child.  Like you know when you were a little kid and you went through phases where the only thing you wanted to eat was peanut butter and jelly with the crusts cut off or mac and cheese for every single meal?  That pretty much seems like it's how Pres lives his entire life.  Plain cheese pizza, plain old boring hamburger, probably still makes Renee cut the crust off his PBJs and split them into diagonal halves.  Honestly I would bet he was kind of pissed off that he had to eat the burger at all.  Probably just wished he could have eaten a plain cheese pizza for lunch and called it a day.


Issue #5: Big Cat and Feits

The resident fatties not having more to say about a food argument days after you've ended a forced diet is unforgivable. Be better.

  


Issue #6: Big Cat

Hey look who decided to chime in 9-10 hours later with a couple generic jokes.  Obviously he was blogging all day so there was other stuff going on, but coming in hot 9 hours later with these two zingers just seems a little underwhelming for what the Stoolies have come to expect from El Gato Grande.  The first one is actually okay, the second one feels eerily reminiscent of a Rick Reilly joke.  I'm not mad, I'm just disappointed.

  




That's it.  Was busy all day so this is the first real chance I've had to blog anything.  Thankfully it was something as fulfilling as deciphering the difference between a hamburger and cheeseburger (note: it's the cheese) and critiquing the inner workings of a smut blog.  Aka God's work.

I Give Up on Peyton

I'm out!  I give up!  The guy is Dan Marino 2.0, there's just no other way to say it.  Every single aspect of the Broncos game yesterday was absolutely awful, everything.  O-Line, garbage.  Defense, garbage.  Peyton, especially garbage.  Yeah, the entire team fucked up, but someone needs to take accountability and this is Manning's team plain and simple.  It's his offense, he's the captain, he needs to be the scapegoat.  If he lost a hard-fought game that's one thing, but coming in and getting humiliated worse than any other team in Super Bowl history is absolutely unacceptable if you're going to be considered arguably the best ever.  Remember those "ducks" that Sherman was talking about?  Yeah well Peyton threw one of them right into the Seahawks hands and was under-throwing passes from start to finish.

I guess I've just been in denial for years and for that I'm taking responsibility.  Last night was it, I'm off Team Peyton.  I just can't do it anymore.  I've be so fucking wrong for so fucking long and at some point you just have to throw in the towel and call a spade a spade.  I picked the Broncos against my better judgment. Usually I go with the better defensive team, but this year was blinded by "The Sheriff" and his regular season numbers and I let it go to my head.  I drank the Kool-Aid.  I bought in and got played for a fool.  I fucked up, that's on me.  Never again Peyton, never again.  At the end of the day he's nothing more than the greatest regular season quarterback of all time.  What can I say, facts are facts, and he's proven that to be fact time and time again.









PS - I know Eli is his brother and all and he "wants the best for his family" but there has to be some tiny, itty bitty microscopic hint of satisfaction for him watching that game.  Everyone shits on you nonstop for being the dumb(er) looking little brother - oh poor adorably retarded Eli is never going to be able to escape Peyton's shadow.  And then after the worst season of your career big bro goes out and has the best season of all time?  You can't tell me he doesn't get some slight pleasure from watching Peyton shit his pants like that for the world to see.  Say what you want but baby bro just got a whole lot better looking to Archie and the Manning clan.  I know it, you know, and Eli knows it.

PPS - Kmarko from Barstool is a prop bet guru.  Legit wizard shit.  If you ever take one piece of advice from me let it be this: follow his lead next year 100% of the way.  For real.  Basically free money.

If Rob Ford is Sticking Up For Bieber Then I Think I Just Joined Team Bieber

(Source) - Toronto Mayor Rob Ford stuck up for Justin Bieber in a radio interview on Thursday, the day after the Canadian singer was charged with assault in his city.

Ford called into the Washington, D.C.-based radio show The Sports Junkies, whose hosts labeled Bieber “Canada’s worst export,” and asked them to put it all in perspective by remembering when they were Bieber’s age. 

“He’s a young guy, 19 years old. I wish I was as successful as he was,” Ford said, who added he’s never met the singer and is not a fan of his music.

I know I talk a lot of shit about the Biebs, but that's only because I honestly thought that I hated his guts this whole time.  But now that Rob Ford is sticking up for him I'm not so sure anymore.  Say what you want about Mayor Ford.  Does he occasionally black the fuck out and smoke a little crack?  Sure.  Is it kind of strange that he hypes himself up for all of his press conference by sporting a new NFL jersey every time? Maybe to some.  Did he put a jail hit out on his sister's convict ex-boyfriend to keep him from opening his mouth about Ford's hard drug use?  Almost definitely.  But if there is one thing that know for sure about this man it's that he's an excellent judge of character.  The kind of class act that only smokes crack when he's shitfaced aka basically never happened, only deals with the most upstanding and respectful drug dealers, only picks trustworthy guys he used to coach in football to execute his off the books dirty work.  He's just aligning himself with the best of the best in every aspect of his life.  And if he's Team Bieber then who the hell am I to doubt him?  I'm just an unemployed blogger, real scum.  Up until this point Mayor Ford has proven himself to be nothing more than an exemplary role model.  The kind of guy that works hard and parties harder. He kicks ass and takes names.  That's called living the dream guys.  And if he's saying that he of all people is jealous of the Biebs and that we all need to relax and give the guy a break then I guess I have to agree with him.  Maybe we all have been being a little rough on Justin.  I feel a little silly saying it because it's so new to me but fuck it.  FREE BIEBER!

If You Haven't Seen Shakira's New Video It Pretty Much Proves That I'm Psychic

Seriously, Beyonce who?  Screw it, she can have the hearts of America's women all she wants.  Nothing in this world pitches a faster tent in my pants than a brand spankin' new Shakira music video.  If you're a red-blooded American male then you need to see this.  On behalf of Shakira, I'd like to say you're welcome world, you're welcome.

PS - This video also just further proves that Rihanna can't get after it with the best of them.  Call me when you're ready for the big leagues sweetheart.  

Some Dude in Australia is Dressing Up Like a Clown and Creeping the Shit Out of Everyone

(Source) - Melbourne police are seeking information about a man wearing a clown mask who was seen waving a gun at pedestrians early on Tuesday morning.

Four people have so far come forward to say they were threatened by the man, who was seen leaning out of a car passenger window as the vehicle slowed to a crawl when passing victims across the St Albans and Sydenham area.

The clown stepped out of the car on one occasion but no-one was hurt during the bizarre 30-minute spree, though Sgt Mark Guthrie of the Brimbank Crime Investigation Unit said victims were in shock.

"All the witnesses have described a weapon being pointed at them, a firearm, whether it is fake or not we do not know," Sgt Guthrie said.

"All the incidents happened within half an hour and within 10 to 15km of each other. It was half-hour of madness but why they did it, I can't put my finger on it.

"It was very scary for those involved, they all want them caught or for it to stop," he added.

Sgt Guthrie said the man had been described as wearing a full white face mask with red hair, red lips and red nose, riding in a white car that may have had other passengers.

I don't get the big fuss over this.  It's clearly some drunk Aussie bro driving around purposely trying to get a rise out of people while his mates sit in the backseat and have a good laugh/crush empty Fosters cans on their foreheads.  I'd bet all the money in my bank account ($134.82) that the gun is either fake or empty. You heard me, ALL OF IT.  Sure, maybe it's still a little fucked up that he's going around and shoving a pistol in everyone's face but at the same time I'm kind of pissed I'm not there with him.  30 short minutes of screwing around with your buddies and you legit probably made at least two or three people poop their pants in the middle of the street.  That would be the funniest 30 minutes of my entire year.  No one died, no one got hurt, nothing even happened.  It honestly sounds well worth whatever stupid fine you'll get even if you do get caught.

Oh and keep in mind that this isn't happening in uptight America where a person would literally sue this dude straight into the poorhouse for something ridiculous like causing "emotional distress."  This is Australia. Aussies LOVE to fuck around.  If the cops ever do find out who these guys are, I guarantee they join in on the fun for at least one more twenty minute go-around with the clown masks.  Actually now that I'm thinking about it, it probably was the cops.  It's the perfect crime.

Maybe I Jumped to Conclusions About Amanda Knox...

I change my mind.....GUILTY! GUILTY!  DEFINITELY GUILTY!

Amanda Knox Re-Accused of Murder...I Still Would

(Source) - An Italian appeals court convicted former exchange student Amanda Knox and her ex-boyfriend Raffaele Sollecito on murder charges Thursday night.

Prosecutors said the couple had killed Meredith Kercher in November 2007. They were convicted two years later of murder, but those charges were overturned on appeal in 2011.

A judge said Thursday that Knox, also convicted of slander, was sentenced in absentia to 28 1/2 years in prison. Sollecito's sentence was 25 years.

Knox, who was at home in Seattle, Washington, said her conviction would bring no consolation to the Kercher family.

"I am frightened and saddened by this unjust verdict," she said in written remarks. "Having been found innocent before, I expected better from the Italian justice system. The evidence and accusatory theory do not justify a verdict of guilt beyond a reasonable doubt. ...There has always been a marked lack of evidence."

She called the legal proceedings a travesty.



I'm not going to lie to you.  I know absolutely nothing about the law and even less about the Italian law.  And on top of that, I also really don't know anything about this case.  But if there is one thing  that I know for sure its that Amanda Knox is way too pretty for jail.  Did she do it?  I  honestly don't know, but she certainly doesn't seem to think so.  Personally I think the Italians should just lay off.  Seriously, has anyone ever met an Italian that would let something go?  Constantly up in your grill barking shit out.  Everything's an argument with these people.  Um guys, you already had a retrial and found her innocent once.  Why does this keep coming up, do you not have any other criminals to convict or something?  Or is that because a couple bureaucratic goombahs over there decided they changed their mind back this delicate little flower has to go up on the stand again and be forced to re-ride that emotional rollercoaster?  Just give it a rest and leave the poor girl alone already.  From what it sounds like there really isn't even a ton of evidence to support that she did anything.  It was basically just like, "Hmm who's-a pretty good-a suspect?  The roommate?  I don't-a know-a...you think-a she's strong enough to pull-a this off-a? Oh, she have-a the boyfriend!?  That's-a perfecto, let's-a convict them!"  

Typical lazy foreigners not being able to do anything right, always half-assing their way through life.  Hey Italy, maybe this is why your country is in absolute shambles.  They can't get anything done.  How are they supposed to solve grave economic crisis when they're spending 6 years and millions of dollars in resources on convicting, releasing, and re-convicting some American chick in a murder case?  It's just fiscally irresponsible.  The police were probably going to collect evidence but then it was siesta time (or whatever the hell custom they have in Italy) so they went and grabbed a cannoli and a ridiculously undersized and overpriced cup of coffee instead.  Figured fuck the evidence, who needs it this is Italy - guilty until proven innocent*.

Oh and FYI Italian government, we're basically going to tell you to go fuck yourself if you want us to extradite Knox back there.  Because even though we're "cooperative" and "all equals" in this world, we both know that our dick swings longer than yours.  What are you going to do, send a strongly worded letter to Obama?  Remember, your country may be shaped like a boot, but we won't hesitate to shove ours deep up into your asshole if you ever fall out of line.  So fuck you and God Bless America.














PS - I would 100% answer a Craigslist posting by Amanda Knox if she were looking for a roommate knowing full well what she's accused of doing to the last one.  Yeah, maybe it puts me in the same apartment as a murderer but it also puts me one step closer to getting into those panties of hers.  High risk, high reward.







*Seriously, the law in Italy is guilty until proven innocent, I looked it up.  So even if you can't prove that she murdered her roommate, really the only thing you need to prove is that it's theoretically possible that she did and that alone is enough to convict her.  It's a completely backwards version of "beyond a reasonable doubt".  Ridiculous, I know.

Peyton Just Facialed Richard Sherman

(Source) - Seattle Seahawks cornerback Richard Sherman said Denver Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning throws "ducks." And Thursday, had Sherman been in the room, he would have seen a rather prominent Broncos player agree with him.

That would be Manning.

"They say he's a smart player, and I don't think that's a real reach what he's saying there," Manning said Thursday morning. "I do throw ducks. I've thrown a lot of yards and touchdown ducks, so I'm actually quite proud of it."

Earlier this season, Sherman praised Manning's intelligence but added that he throws "ducks" at times. Sherman was then asked about the comment in the Seahawks' media session Wednesday and did not retreat.

"Well, I still feel the same way I felt," Sherman said Wednesday. "He is a great quarterback, he does a great job. At the same time, when he catches the ball, he doesn't necessarily catch the laces all the time. He throws an accurate ball in regards to how he catches it, he just gets it on time and delivers it accurately."

On Thursday, Sherman was told how Manning responded to his comments.

"Oh, I agree. That's exactly what I said. That's what I said. It sounds like a repeat of what I said," he said.

I know that Richard Sherman said that he throws it accurately and that Manning is still a great quarterback blah blah blah.  That's not the point.  You simply do not come at the King days before the big game, Dick. Complete lack of common sense. Do you honestly want to give this guy another reason to want to pound your team's pussy into the ground?  Sherman literally just took all of the pressure that was on Peyton's shoulder (can't win the big games, his legacy needs this, all of it) and he turned Manning's attention to doing one thing and one thing only - making a DB look like a complete moron and ruining his day.  Hey idiot, that's the man's bread and butter!  That's what Peyton thinks about before sex to get him hard.  That's what he dreams about after he's dominated his wife.  And that's what he wakes up chomping at the bit to do every single day of his life.  All that extra talk, those distractions?  Poof!  Gone.  Now the focus is on one thing and one thing only - making you regret ever opening your mouth.  You know what Peyton probably said to himself after he heard this?  "A lion doesn't concern himself with the opinions of a sheep."  Sound familiar?

If you don't feel like reading the whole article I'll paraphrase for you:

Sherman:  Hey Peyton, you throw ducks dude!

Peyton:  (chuckles condescendingly) Fucking A Right I do young fella'.  Ducks for yards, ducks for TDs, ducks that set records, ducks that win football games, you name it.  I'm a baaaaad motherducker bro.  Quack quack homie. ("suck it" motion; salutes; exits)