Alright so I felt the need to say my piece on the matter. I'm going to break this argument down bit by bit, Barstool employee by Barstool employee and at the end of it we'll be done with it forever. We won't need any more chatter about this because I'll have gotten to the bottom of it just like I do everything else because it's what sleuths such as myself do. We dig for answers and we find them. I didn't ask for this burden, but this is the hand I was dealt so I make the best of it. Some people sit on their asses and believe whatever the hell people tell them and others are truth seekers, real godly men. I am the latter. So without further ado here are the answers that you all seek:
Issue #1: Hamburger vs. Cheeseburger
They're two different things. Hamburger is without cheese, cheeseburger is with it. Basically the simplest fucking concept in the history of concepts. Hamburger is meat and a bun with traditional toppings (lettuce, tomato, onions, pickle, whatever). If you don't want the toppings then you ask for a "hamburger, no _____." The second cheese is added to a hamburger it becomes a cheeseburger. The only goddamn reason we call it a cheeseburger is because of the fact that there is cheese on it. "Hamburger" implies no cheese every day of the week on every continent on earth. The fact that this kick-started an entire day of argument is absolutely mindblowing to me.
"Burger" is an acceptable term for both. But if someone specifically asks for a hamburger you either a.) ask to make sure that's what they really want because they're clearly too thick to get it right, or b.) get them a hamburger, and if they throw a fit because they wanted cheese, call them a retard for not knowing what a cheeseburger is and tell them to go fuck themselves. Only mature way to go about it. What you never do is assume that someone means cheeseburger when they ask for a hamburger. That's the most ignorant thing I've ever heard of.
Side by side comparison: the one on the left (with cheese) is a cheeseburger. On the right (the hamburger without any cheese on it) is a hamburger.
Here's another example. On top (no cheese) = hamburger. The bottom (with cheese) = cheeseburger.
Issue #2: Louis.
Um who the hell is Louis? Does anyone know? Is he Sales Guy's behind the scenes right hand man or something? Hey Louis, if the world actually wanted to hear your opinion on things then maybe you would be a BLOGGER for the BLOG that you work for. Unfortunately you're a halfwit who can't even seem to work out the difference between a hamburger and a cheeseburger so let's keep that trap shut tight bro. Do you also think that a burrito is just a really big taco? Is a tuna steak just tuna salad that people forgot to add mayonnaise, onion, and celery to? Do you call fries without cheese cheese fries? No. So stop it Louis, just stop it.
Do us all a favor and go back to whatever dark corner of Barstool headquarters you crawled out of. I'm sure you're a nice guy and that's great, and you're probably funny as hell and awesome at a bunch of other stuff not related to having an opinion to share with the public. But don't bring that weak ass shit in my face when I barely have any idea who you even are. Lou, let's just keep you out of the picture and your voice out of the equation. You remember Wilson from Home Improvement? Be a completely silent version of that.
In all fairness to Louis, "Who the fuck orders a hamburger?" is actually a pretty valid question, and one that I'll get to later.
Issue #3: KFC and the Cyclops
I love KFC and his blogging so this actually hurts a little bit because I've basically agreed with everything he's ever said and done aside from when he tries to participate in sports. I gotta be honest this pissed me off though. Listen, I'm all for recycling funny jokes and wearing them out like an old punching bag, but all this cyclops business wasn't the least bit funny to begin with and he just refused to let it go. "Pres called it a cyclops, no way! That's like the craziest most hysterical thing anyone's ever said!!! Did you hear me? HE CALLED THE BURGER A FUCKING CYCLOPS!"
No Kevin, he didn't mean a tripod. He meant a cyclops, just let it go.
Check in 10 hours later...
Nuts. Hilarious. Gold.
And like I said, as much as I would love to watch KFC rip apart Pageviews' intelligence and overall character I just can't stand for it in this situation.
Cyclops have one eye, fact. That large yellow glob of cheese surrounded by the brown of the burger itself resembles the singular eye of a cyclops, fact. What was confusing about this? Open and shut case. Cyclops issue resolved.
Issue #4: The Attack on Pres for Liking Plain Hamburgers
Would I personally ask for a plain hamburger? Absolutely not, but at the same time Pres is the type of guy who would rather have a slice of plain cheese pizza with no toppings, crushed red pepper, or parmesan either. The man is a traditionalist. He wants the most basic ingredients and he wants them to taste good so he can tell the true quality of what he's eating. A burger with cheese and all the toppings is going to be better every single time, but if you don't think that all of those extras hide the real quality of the burger then you're out of your mind. Pres doesn't want that. He wants the centerpieces of the meal and he wants them to be delicious by themselves. That way he can tell the real quality of the product he's getting. If you think that's weird as fuck that's because it is, but at least it's consistent with the rest of his diet. You can't get mad at someone for having a preference. If he were all over the map with what he likes then it would be different but the fact of the matter is that this is textbook Pageviews, there's just no getting around it.
The brutally honest way to put it is to say that he has the palate of a child. Like you know when you were a little kid and you went through phases where the only thing you wanted to eat was peanut butter and jelly with the crusts cut off or mac and cheese for every single meal? That pretty much seems like it's how Pres lives his entire life. Plain cheese pizza, plain old boring hamburger, probably still makes Renee cut the crust off his PBJs and split them into diagonal halves. Honestly I would bet he was kind of pissed off that he had to eat the burger at all. Probably just wished he could have eaten a plain cheese pizza for lunch and called it a day.
Issue #5: Big Cat and Feits
The resident fatties not having more to say about a food argument days after you've ended a forced diet is unforgivable. Be better.
Issue #6: Big Cat
Hey look who decided to chime in 9-10 hours later with a couple generic jokes. Obviously he was blogging all day so there was other stuff going on, but coming in hot 9 hours later with these two zingers just seems a little underwhelming for what the Stoolies have come to expect from El Gato Grande. The first one is actually okay, the second one feels eerily reminiscent of a Rick Reilly joke. I'm not mad, I'm just disappointed.
That's it. Was busy all day so this is the first real chance I've had to blog anything. Thankfully it was something as fulfilling as deciphering the difference between a hamburger and cheeseburger (note: it's the cheese) and critiquing the inner workings of a smut blog. Aka God's work.
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