Thursday, February 20, 2014

LeBron Had the Most Deadly Bloody Nose of All Time Tonight

Wow.  Serige Ibaka must have the most vicious accidental tap in the face of all time because he just put one of the biggest, most indestructible motherfuckers on the planet on his ass with a flick of the wrist.  Honestly that slap didn't look like it would hurt a fly, but apparently I'm wrong because LeBron basically had to be carted off the floor after it.  Deadly bloody nose.  Deadly.  Seriously though, I saw less dramatic reactions to having their limbs blown off by some of the actors in Saving Private Ryan.


First up we have LBJ writhing on the ground in pain, blowing blood out of his nose right in front of the media for dramatic effect versus Psycho T who pops to his feet ready to tear a motherfucker's face off.  To be fair he left the game too...with 15 seconds left.

Next up is Steve Nash, a skinny little Canadian point guard.  The guy basically broke his nose every night for 5 years.  Never once made a peep, never once left the game.  Steve Nash.  Beast Mode white boy.

Matt Howard - Butler.  Total pud, didn't even get to play in the NBA.  College was his big time.  You think a little blood made him cry on the ground?  Not even for one second.

PS - I'll honestly be shocked if this actually turns out to be a broken nose, it seriously looks like he didn't even get hit.  My money's on the dry Oklahoma City air combined with LeBron's unrivaled ability to sell a fake.  Like he probably saw blood and just said fuck it, we have the game won, might as well drag it out and look like a hero even though I'm total softboy bitch.  Classic stuff.

Double PS - For real though, that dry Oklahome City air is no joke.  The entire city basically functions with a nosebleed.

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

ESPN Just Made Michael Sam's Dad Look Like a Giant Dick

(Source) - While Michael Sam has mostly received an outpouring of support since announcing that he is gay, his father is struggling with the news, according to a published report.

Sam revealed to his Missouri teammates he is gay last August, but he didn't disclose his sexual orientation to his parents until last week. He said Sunday in interviews with ESPN's "Outside The Lines" and The New York Times that he is gay.
Michael Sam Sr. told The New York Times that he received the news last Tuesday when his son wrote in a text: "Dad, I'm gay."
Sam's father took the news hard. He said he was eating at a Denny's restaurant but had to leave after receiving the text.
"I couldn't eat no more, so I went to Applebee's to have drinks," Sam Sr. told the newspaper. "I don't want my grandkids raised in that kind of environment."
Sam Sr., who described himself as "old-school," told the newspaper the idea of a gay player in the NFL bothers him, even when that person could be his own son.
He told the newspaper that late Hall of Famer Deacon Jones, the leader of the Rams' Fearsome Foursome who is credited with terming the word sack, "is turning over in his grave."
He told the newspaper, however, that he loves his son and hopes he makes it into the NFL.
"As a black man, we have so many hurdles to cross. This is just one he has to cross," Sam Sr. told The Times.

So some dynamite journalist at ESPN took it upon himself to write an entire article that takes a few out of context quotes from Michael Sam's dad that refer to NFL culture and tradition and make it sound like the guy doesn't give a fuck about his son anymore. Geniuses on the internet are looking at it and talking about, "How is Michael Sam going to win over an NFL locker room if he can't even win over his own father?"  Hey guys, try reading the article.  His dad was fucking shocked by the fact that he just found out his son was gay and then whichever unnamed writer (seriously, they don't even list a journalist to accept blame if there's any fallout) at ESPN wrote the article decided to only include negative quotes that make it sound like his family is about to disown him because this is some unforgivable sin in the eyes of his father.  Meanwhile he/she sneaks in a tiny one-sentence aside that tells you everything you need to know about the truth of the matter: "He told the newspaper, however, that he loves his son and hopes he makes it to the NFL." Sounds pretty fucking supportive to me.  Michael Sam Sr. just had a bombshell dropped right in his face and is taken aback by the news, pretty standard reaction to life-changing news.  The man needs some time to process the whole situation.  But don't make it sound like he doesn't accept his own son because of the fact that he's gay. Sam Sr. admits to being wary of the lifestyle - something not so shocking for an elderly conservative black man from Texas - but at the end of the day still says he loves his kid.  Classic ESPN propaganda saying whatever the fuck they want to create controversy while tucking the truth neatly away between paragraphs. Then half the rest of the world sees the headline Michael Sam Sr. Troubled by News and immediately starts jumping to conclusions before they even read the full story.  

All of the speculation about Michael Sam is ridiculous.  Talking about it won't matter until draft day and then we'll see what happens.  Until then the media isn't doing anything but making this kid's already extremely difficult life even harder.  His fear of media speculation is what forced him to come out in the first place and now that he is out of the closet he has people writing articles about how his dad doesn't accept him when in reality that isn't the case at all.  I don't know about you but considering half his family is in jail, the other half is dead, and he just came out to the world in the most public way possible I say we give this gayball a fucking break and let him live his own life without our two cents for a couple months until the draft when the issue actually becomes relevant.

PS - Hey ESPN, since we already know you're going to make a 30 for 30 about this I'll just give you the title right now.  Michael Sam: An NFL Fairy Tale.  Get it?  Fairy, like because he's gay.

Thursday, February 6, 2014

Charles Tillman Gave His Super Bowl Tickets to the Family of a Fallen Soldier

(Source) - Hours after winning the 2013 Walter Payton NFL Man of the Year Award, Chicago Bears free-agent cornerback Charles Tillman took to Twitter on Sunday morning to inform his 107,000 followers that he had a pair of tickets to give away for Super Bowl XLVIII later that day. 

Later that morning, Tillman announced that the Doltz family would receive the coveted Super Bowl tickets. Neeraj Singh, a friend of Sgt. Ryan Doltz’s family, told Tillman about the tragic story of the soldier who was killed while on duty in Iraq a decade ago at the age of 26. 

Tillman, the son of an Army sergeant, had to attend 11 schools from kindergarten to 12th grade. 

Dan Wiederer of the Chicago Tribune confirmed that New Jersey paramedic Greg Doltz, Ryan's brother, attended the game with his wife, Tiffany, with Singh serving as the middle man in the ticket exchange. 

"Even up to the minute before I had the tickets in my hand, I thought the whole thing was a hoax," Doltz told the Tribune. "Even on the drive down, I told my wife, 'If this turns out not to be real, let's just go have fun at our friends' house. It'll still be worth the trip. Who cares?' 

"It was so spur-of-the-moment. And that was Ryan's thing. He would drop everything he was doing to hang out with his friends. He would be in New Jersey, and his friend in Virginia would call to see what he was doing. And the next thing you knew, he would be getting in his car to drive to Virginia." 

These sorts of gestures have become commonplace for Tillman, who became the fifth Bears player to win the coveted Walter Payton NFL Man of the Year Award. Tillman was also a finalist for the honor in 2011. 

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This is exactly why I love rooting for guys like Charles Tillman.  Yes, he's an unbelievable player but at the same time he's always been a guy who actually cares, and he shows it.  He's one of the good ones.  One of the players who realizes that he's in a very fortunate place in his life, and he's got the opportunity to help others. As a military kid, he's always been one of the league's foremost in honoring the brave men and women that serve our country.  He didn't win the Walter Payton NFL Man of the Year Award and then start a new campaign the next day.  This type of gratitude and generosity towards the heroes that protect us is simply a part of his everyday life.  And I for one am always going to cheer on Peanut for the rest of his career, whether he stays or goes, for that very reason.  Everyone in Chicago should be proud to call him a Bear, and any organization that might sign him will be picking up a guy that's a class act both on the field and off of it.  

Mike Woodson Calls the Knicks Season "Kind of a Disaster"

(Source) - Mike Woodson offered a rough assessment of both himself and the New York Knicks on Thursday.

"This year has been, for me, it's been kind of a disaster from a coaching standpoint in trying to get players to compete and play at a high level," Woodson said in an interview on ESPN New York 98.7 FM's "The Stephen A. Smith and Ryan Ruocco Show."
"That's the frustrating part about it, because I know we're better than what we've shown and we've still got a chance."
The Knicks fell to 11-17 at home with Wednesday night's loss to Portland. At 19-30, they are in 10th place in the Eastern Conference, 2½ games out of the eighth and final playoff spot.

Is it a disaster, Mike?  Is it really?  Because I had no idea that it was bad when you went from 2nd place in your conference and 26 games over .500 to clawing for a playoff spot, despite not losing any key players. Were you expecting to win games with the second highest team payroll in the league or something?  Are those players you shelled out millions to supposed to perform?  

HA!  I cannot begin to express how happy this makes me.  Fuck Melo, fuck the Knicks, and honestly just fuck New York altogether.  That city has the Yankees and nothing else.  Sure the Giants won a couple but at least they still have to deal with the consummate frustration and letdown that is Eli Manning on a week-to-week basis. The only reason Mike Woodson hasn't been kicked to the curb yet is because, by the grace of God, the entire Eastern Conference (aside from Miami and Indy) is in absolute shambles as well.  Being 19-30 and still somehow very much in the playoff hunt is nothing short of a miracle. So for your sake, Mike, I hope your team pulls it together enough to squeak into the playoffs and get massacred by one of the elites. At least that way you might get to keep your job. 

PS - The sad part is that this season really isn't even Mike Woodson's fault.  Melo basically admitted to wanting out before the season, JR Smith has somehow become more aggressive and less of a factor simultaneously, Felton is absolute garbage, Bargnani is hurt and wasn't even useful when he was healthy, Tyson Chandler looks like he's on his last legs, and Iman Shumpert hasn't been formidable since the first two months of his rookie year.  And the worst part is that none of these guys on the floor are even giving Mike Woodson an ounce of respect. The guy literally isn't even being given an opportunity to coach.  Two words to describe the Knicks: total clusterfuck.

Big Mouth Billy Bass Thwarts Burglary Attempt Single-Handedly

(Source) - Big Mouth Billy Bass apparently got the best of a would-be burglar in Minnesota.

Authorities in Rochester say the motion-activated singing fish apparently scared off an intruder who tried to break into the Hooked on Fishing bait and tackle shop.
The novelty bass had been hung near the door and would start singing "Take Me to the River" whenever someone entered the shop.
The Olmsted County Sheriff's Office says the fish was found on the floor after the intruder knocked it down while breaking the door to get in late Sunday or early Monday.
Sgt. Tom Claymon tells the Star Tribune the would-be burglar left without stealing anything, including cash that had been left in "a very visible spot."

This guy has to feel like a million bucks right now.  Not only did his shop not get robbed, but the thing that stopped the actual robbery was a singing rubber fish that's probably been hanging on his wall for like 10 years.  Every single day he's probably debated taking it down too.  Thing has to be so fucking annoying, singing "Take Me to the River" every single time someone walks into his bait shop, which since it's in Minnesota probably means the only place in town that has more foot traffic is the Wal-Mart.  It probably almost drove him insane like Shumann*.  But day after day he let it hang, dealing with his wife bitching about how it was a stupid idea to get it in the first place, nagging straight in his grill until one day boom!  Billy Bass saves the fucking day.  Hey honey, don't thank the police they didn't do shit.  Thank me.  Or better yet, thank my ridiculously pointless folk tune-singing fish.  I can't imagine anything more satisfying than being able to stare all the haters right in their eyeballs and with a completely straight face tell them that your Billy Bass has literally paid for itself.  Did it annoy the shit out of me and drive me nuts for years, yeah, but you know what else?  It saved my business. With toys like that who needs a watchdog?

*George Costanza:  Artie Schumann? From Camp Hatchapee?
Jerry Seinfeld:  No, you idiot.
George Costanza:  What are you, Bud Abbott? What are you calling me an idiot for?
Jerry Seinfeld:  You don't know Robert Schumann? The composer?
George Costanza:  Oh, Schu-MANN. Of course.

Couldn't find the right clip, but here's another great one from the same episode.  Because I care.

Marcus Smart Flops Like a Motherfucker But at Least He Admits to It

(Source) - Oklahoma State guard Marcus Smart is frustrated with his growing reputation but told ESPN he's not the only one flopping.

"I've probably built up a little reputation, and I'm not questioning that," Smart said after the Cowboys' latest loss -- at home in triple overtime Monday to Iowa State -- the team's fourth defeat in its past five contests. "But I'm not the only one flopping. Every team and every player does it to make sure you get the call."
Smart decided to return to Stillwater for his sophomore season despite being considered a lock for a high-lottery pick had he decided to enter the 2013 NBA draft. He told ESPN that he has no regrets about spurning millions and returning to school, even though his team is struggling and he has displayed his frustration on the court with emotional outbursts.
One reason for Smart's dissatisfaction lately is what he considers inconsistency with officiating. He said the emphasis on handchecking rules, which went into effect prior to the season, has played a significant factor.
"It's so inconsistent," Smart said about the new rules. "We have no idea what to expect. And as a player, it messes with your mind.
"It's incredible how inconsistent the new rules have been. If they call it on one end, they have to call it on the other end. I don't blame it on anyone. It's a big adjustment for the refs also. They're learning just like us."

As I've made abundantly clear, I absolutely despise flopping.  It's not just that it's pussy basketball.  It's not just that it's an entirely European influence on an American dominated sport.  It's not just that it makes some of the world's best athletes look as soft as baby shit.  It's the fact that it's becoming second nature to these guys and the league is letting it happen.  Do you honestly think hard-nosed defenders like Smart agree with flopping?  Fuck no, no way.  If he could have it his way the league would get rid of all the rules that restrict hand checking and let basketball be played the way it should be, the way it was played in the Golden Age of the 80s and 90s - physically.  

I never got the reasoning behind banning hand checking.  It's not like the rules cut back on injuries at all.  The only thing it does is make it easier to score to make the game flashier than it's ever been.  When in reality it's turned the league into the closest thing America has to watchable soccer.  It's a bunch of giant pansies running around pretending to get bumped and falling over like they just got trucksticked.  Meanwhile the league that is "determined" to stop such behavior hands out chump change fines that even the lowest paid rookie would scoff at.  Now you have guys like Smart - real basketball players who prefer a more physical game - being forced to change their style of play to cope with the changing on-court environment.  He's getting a bad rap for being smart and adjusting with changing times.  Do I like that he flops?  Hell no, but at least he admits that he's being forced to do it as a result of what he's going to see on the next level.  LeBron on the other hand (arguably the most physically imposing player in the league) still absolutely refuses to acknowledge that he's ever done it even once.  

"I don’t need to flop. I play an aggressive game but I don’t flop. I’ve never been one of those guys. I don’t need to flop. I don’t even know how to do it. So it doesn’t mean much to me."
                                                                          - Lebron James 
If the new commish had any brains he would stop flopping altogether.  But if he's going to do it he needs to change the rule from some bullshit fine to an automatic one-game suspension without pay.  Second offense is the same deal.  Third offense is three games without pay plus an additional fine.  If that seems rough then deal with it.  If you think about it, it's really not that hard to stop cheating.  It shouldn't be difficult to resist falling down when someone doesn't make legitimate contact.  The only way to show the players that flopping isn't worth it is to make it not worth it.  Charging a guy $5,000 when he makes millions a year isn't going to do shit.  It's either that or let basketball move forth into the next era of the pussification of American sports.

PS - Why don't the vets speak out about this more?  They're getting passed up in the record books because it's easier for guys in the league to do everything now.  All of the greats who had to dogfight for everything they earned are getting shown up by a bunch of sissies.  Obviously I'm not Jordan, Isiah Thomas, or Bird but if I were and I saw these candy asses getting mentioned in the same breath as me I would be livid.  I'm shocked they haven't taken more of a stand against the style that's played today.

Wednesday, February 5, 2014

3 Things We Learned About Chris 'Sky' Walker and the Florida Gators Last Night

Last night was former McDonald's All-American Chris 'Sky' Walker's debut game for the Florida Gators. As promised, he only saw limited minutes (7 to be exact) in the first half and rode the bench for the second part of the game.  Granted it's only a tiny sample of what's to come from Walker and the Gators but here are the 3 things that we figured out:

1. Walker is capable of making an immediate impact if needed.

He came in and only played 7 minutes but he had 2 blocks, 2 rebounds and 4 points.  Straight off the bat he proved that he can contribute.  Walker is a man out there, and has freak athleticism to boot.  He has great length and natural instincts as a shot blocker on the college level.  In the NBA he might be a little more undersized given that he's built more like a forward than a center but impressive nonetheless.  Florida has one of, if not the best defense in college basketball and Walker just made them a little bit better.  Pretty crazy to think about.  Good news for the Gators, bad news for the rest of the league.  Come tournament time they might even become the favorite for the national championship.

2. My theory about Walker being a party animal/pussy magnet is 100% dead on.

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Three sets of lip tattoos on your neck might seem like a cocky move but remember, it's not arrogant if it's true.  Honestly this is probably what he spent the recruitment money he was investigated for on.  Visited Gainesville, got a fat wad of cash from Billy Donovan, banged out a couple co-ed bitties and headed straight for the tattoo parlor the morning after to get those sluts' lipstick permanently inked on his neck.  Basically just as a reminder for how he ended up at Florida.  It's always important to remember the little folks and this way he'll have them with him forever.  Genius.  And it's kind of adorable watching a giant black man be so nostalgic.  Like "Hey girl, remember that time I laid some serious pipe and redecorated your vaginal walls? Well I promised that I won't ever let myself forget."

*Shows neck tats, legs part like the Red Sea*

3. Billy Donovan has visible herpes mere weeks after Walker joins the team.  Coincidence?

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I'm not saying Billy Donovan sucked Chris Walker's dick to get him to come to Florida, but I'm also not going to say that he didn't.  Listen, college basketball is getting more and more competitive every year and with all of these one and done recruits it's hard to build a team that can consistently compete.  Coaches might be driven to do some crazy stuff to keep their jobs.  Simple test to prove me wrong:  match up Donovan's lips with the three sets on Walker's neck.  If they match then we know Walker got a little something extra to come to Gainesville.  If they don't then we know he still probably got money, plane tickets, and other perks but at least the coach isn't blowing recruits to give his school an edge.  Handouts are one thing, sexual favors are a different issue entirely.  How are Coach K and Boeheim supposed to compete with Florida when Donovan's willing to drop down and guzzle a budding superstar's load?  Such an unfair advantage.

Send Out the Smoke Patrol on the Olympic Skeleton Helmets

I'm not going to sit here and pretend I'm an expert on skeleton because I really have no clue what it is.  From what I've gathered over the years, it's a more suicidal headfirst solo version of bobsledding.  Pretty sick but like I said I really don't know much about it besides that.  But one thing I do know a thing or two about is dope headgear.  And this may be a bold statement but I think these might rival hockey's goalie masks as the hottest headgear in the game.  Molten lava hot.

Skeleton Helmets Are The Coolest Thing At The Olympics
Skeleton Helmets Are The Coolest Thing At The Olympics
Skeleton Helmets Are The Coolest Thing At The Olympics
Skeleton Helmets Are The Coolest Thing At The Olympics
Skeleton Helmets Are The Coolest Thing At The Olympics
Skeleton Helmets Are The Coolest Thing At The Olympics

Here's the US team's helmets...Yes and fuck yes.

Skeleton Helmets Are The Coolest Thing At The Olympics
Skeleton Helmets Are The Coolest Thing At The Olympics