LeBron Had the Most Deadly Bloody Nose of All Time Tonight

Wow.  Serige Ibaka must have the most vicious accidental tap in the face of all time because he just put one of the biggest, most indestructible motherfuckers on the planet on his ass with a flick of the wrist.  Honestly that slap didn't look like it would hurt a fly, but apparently I'm wrong because LeBron basically had to be carted off the floor after it.  Deadly bloody nose.  Deadly.  Seriously though, I saw less dramatic reactions to having their limbs blown off by some of the actors in Saving Private Ryan.

  

First up we have LBJ writhing on the ground in pain, blowing blood out of his nose right in front of the media for dramatic effect versus Psycho T who pops to his feet ready to tear a motherfucker's face off.  To be fair he left the game too...with 15 seconds left.

Next up is Steve Nash, a skinny little Canadian point guard.  The guy basically broke his nose every night for 5 years.  Never once made a peep, never once left the game.  Steve Nash.  Beast Mode white boy.

Matt Howard - Butler.  Total pud, didn't even get to play in the NBA.  College was his big time.  You think a little blood made him cry on the ground?  Not even for one second.












PS - I'll honestly be shocked if this actually turns out to be a broken nose, it seriously looks like he didn't even get hit.  My money's on the dry Oklahoma City air combined with LeBron's unrivaled ability to sell a fake.  Like he probably saw blood and just said fuck it, we have the game won, might as well drag it out and look like a hero even though I'm total softboy bitch.  Classic stuff.



Double PS - For real though, that dry Oklahome City air is no joke.  The entire city basically functions with a nosebleed.

ESPN Just Made Michael Sam's Dad Look Like a Giant Dick

(Source) - While Michael Sam has mostly received an outpouring of support since announcing that he is gay, his father is struggling with the news, according to a published report.

Sam revealed to his Missouri teammates he is gay last August, but he didn't disclose his sexual orientation to his parents until last week. He said Sunday in interviews with ESPN's "Outside The Lines" and The New York Times that he is gay.

Michael Sam Sr. told The New York Times that he received the news last Tuesday when his son wrote in a text: "Dad, I'm gay."

Sam's father took the news hard. He said he was eating at a Denny's restaurant but had to leave after receiving the text.

"I couldn't eat no more, so I went to Applebee's to have drinks," Sam Sr. told the newspaper. "I don't want my grandkids raised in that kind of environment."

Sam Sr., who described himself as "old-school," told the newspaper the idea of a gay player in the NFL bothers him, even when that person could be his own son.

He told the newspaper that late Hall of Famer Deacon Jones, the leader of the Rams' Fearsome Foursome who is credited with terming the word sack, "is turning over in his grave."

He told the newspaper, however, that he loves his son and hopes he makes it into the NFL.

"As a black man, we have so many hurdles to cross. This is just one he has to cross," Sam Sr. told The Times.

So some dynamite journalist at ESPN took it upon himself to write an entire article that takes a few out of context quotes from Michael Sam's dad that refer to NFL culture and tradition and make it sound like the guy doesn't give a fuck about his son anymore. Geniuses on the internet are looking at it and talking about, "How is Michael Sam going to win over an NFL locker room if he can't even win over his own father?"  Hey guys, try reading the article.  His dad was fucking shocked by the fact that he just found out his son was gay and then whichever unnamed writer (seriously, they don't even list a journalist to accept blame if there's any fallout) at ESPN wrote the article decided to only include negative quotes that make it sound like his family is about to disown him because this is some unforgivable sin in the eyes of his father.  Meanwhile he/she sneaks in a tiny one-sentence aside that tells you everything you need to know about the truth of the matter: "He told the newspaper, however, that he loves his son and hopes he makes it to the NFL." Sounds pretty fucking supportive to me.  Michael Sam Sr. just had a bombshell dropped right in his face and is taken aback by the news, pretty standard reaction to life-changing news.  The man needs some time to process the whole situation.  But don't make it sound like he doesn't accept his own son because of the fact that he's gay. Sam Sr. admits to being wary of the lifestyle - something not so shocking for an elderly conservative black man from Texas - but at the end of the day still says he loves his kid.  Classic ESPN propaganda saying whatever the fuck they want to create controversy while tucking the truth neatly away between paragraphs. Then half the rest of the world sees the headline Michael Sam Sr. Troubled by News and immediately starts jumping to conclusions before they even read the full story.  

All of the speculation about Michael Sam is ridiculous.  Talking about it won't matter until draft day and then we'll see what happens.  Until then the media isn't doing anything but making this kid's already extremely difficult life even harder.  His fear of media speculation is what forced him to come out in the first place and now that he is out of the closet he has people writing articles about how his dad doesn't accept him when in reality that isn't the case at all.  I don't know about you but considering half his family is in jail, the other half is dead, and he just came out to the world in the most public way possible I say we give this gayball a fucking break and let him live his own life without our two cents for a couple months until the draft when the issue actually becomes relevant.

PS - Hey ESPN, since we already know you're going to make a 30 for 30 about this I'll just give you the title right now.  Michael Sam: An NFL Fairy Tale.  Get it?  Fairy, like because he's gay.

Charles Tillman Gave His Super Bowl Tickets to the Family of a Fallen Soldier

(Source) - Hours after winning the 2013 Walter Payton NFL Man of the Year Award, Chicago Bears free-agent cornerback Charles Tillman took to Twitter on Sunday morning to inform his 107,000 followers that he had a pair of tickets to give away for Super Bowl XLVIII later that day. 

Later that morning, Tillman announced that the Doltz family would receive the coveted Super Bowl tickets. Neeraj Singh, a friend of Sgt. Ryan Doltz’s family, told Tillman about the tragic story of the soldier who was killed while on duty in Iraq a decade ago at the age of 26. 

Tillman, the son of an Army sergeant, had to attend 11 schools from kindergarten to 12th grade. 

Dan Wiederer of the Chicago Tribune confirmed that New Jersey paramedic Greg Doltz, Ryan's brother, attended the game with his wife, Tiffany, with Singh serving as the middle man in the ticket exchange. 

"Even up to the minute before I had the tickets in my hand, I thought the whole thing was a hoax," Doltz told the Tribune. "Even on the drive down, I told my wife, 'If this turns out not to be real, let's just go have fun at our friends' house. It'll still be worth the trip. Who cares?' 

"It was so spur-of-the-moment. And that was Ryan's thing. He would drop everything he was doing to hang out with his friends. He would be in New Jersey, and his friend in Virginia would call to see what he was doing. And the next thing you knew, he would be getting in his car to drive to Virginia." 

These sorts of gestures have become commonplace for Tillman, who became the fifth Bears player to win the coveted Walter Payton NFL Man of the Year Award. Tillman was also a finalist for the honor in 2011. 

This is exactly why I love rooting for guys like Charles Tillman.  Yes, he's an unbelievable player but at the same time he's always been a guy who actually cares, and he shows it.  He's one of the good ones.  One of the players who realizes that he's in a very fortunate place in his life, and he's got the opportunity to help others. As a military kid, he's always been one of the league's foremost in honoring the brave men and women that serve our country.  He didn't win the Walter Payton NFL Man of the Year Award and then start a new campaign the next day.  This type of gratitude and generosity towards the heroes that protect us is simply a part of his everyday life.  And I for one am always going to cheer on Peanut for the rest of his career, whether he stays or goes, for that very reason.  Everyone in Chicago should be proud to call him a Bear, and any organization that might sign him will be picking up a guy that's a class act both on the field and off of it.  

Mike Woodson Calls the Knicks Season "Kind of a Disaster"

(Source) - Mike Woodson offered a rough assessment of both himself and the New York Knicks on Thursday.

"This year has been, for me, it's been kind of a disaster from a coaching standpoint in trying to get players to compete and play at a high level," Woodson said in an interview on ESPN New York 98.7 FM's "The Stephen A. Smith and Ryan Ruocco Show."

"That's the frustrating part about it, because I know we're better than what we've shown and we've still got a chance."

The Knicks fell to 11-17 at home with Wednesday night's loss to Portland. At 19-30, they are in 10th place in the Eastern Conference, 2½ games out of the eighth and final playoff spot.

Is it a disaster, Mike?  Is it really?  Because I had no idea that it was bad when you went from 2nd place in your conference and 26 games over .500 to clawing for a playoff spot, despite not losing any key players. Were you expecting to win games with the second highest team payroll in the league or something?  Are those players you shelled out millions to supposed to perform?  

HA!  I cannot begin to express how happy this makes me.  Fuck Melo, fuck the Knicks, and honestly just fuck New York altogether.  That city has the Yankees and nothing else.  Sure the Giants won a couple but at least they still have to deal with the consummate frustration and letdown that is Eli Manning on a week-to-week basis. The only reason Mike Woodson hasn't been kicked to the curb yet is because, by the grace of God, the entire Eastern Conference (aside from Miami and Indy) is in absolute shambles as well.  Being 19-30 and still somehow very much in the playoff hunt is nothing short of a miracle. So for your sake, Mike, I hope your team pulls it together enough to squeak into the playoffs and get massacred by one of the elites. At least that way you might get to keep your job. 

PS - The sad part is that this season really isn't even Mike Woodson's fault.  Melo basically admitted to wanting out before the season, JR Smith has somehow become more aggressive and less of a factor simultaneously, Felton is absolute garbage, Bargnani is hurt and wasn't even useful when he was healthy, Tyson Chandler looks like he's on his last legs, and Iman Shumpert hasn't been formidable since the first two months of his rookie year.  And the worst part is that none of these guys on the floor are even giving Mike Woodson an ounce of respect. The guy literally isn't even being given an opportunity to coach.  Two words to describe the Knicks: total clusterfuck.

Big Mouth Billy Bass Thwarts Burglary Attempt Single-Handedly

(Source) - Big Mouth Billy Bass apparently got the best of a would-be burglar in Minnesota.

Authorities in Rochester say the motion-activated singing fish apparently scared off an intruder who tried to break into the Hooked on Fishing bait and tackle shop.

The novelty bass had been hung near the door and would start singing "Take Me to the River" whenever someone entered the shop.

The Olmsted County Sheriff's Office says the fish was found on the floor after the intruder knocked it down while breaking the door to get in late Sunday or early Monday.

Sgt. Tom Claymon tells the Star Tribune the would-be burglar left without stealing anything, including cash that had been left in "a very visible spot."

This guy has to feel like a million bucks right now.  Not only did his shop not get robbed, but the thing that stopped the actual robbery was a singing rubber fish that's probably been hanging on his wall for like 10 years.  Every single day he's probably debated taking it down too.  Thing has to be so fucking annoying, singing "Take Me to the River" every single time someone walks into his bait shop, which since it's in Minnesota probably means the only place in town that has more foot traffic is the Wal-Mart.  It probably almost drove him insane like Shumann*.  But day after day he let it hang, dealing with his wife bitching about how it was a stupid idea to get it in the first place, nagging straight in his grill until one day boom!  Billy Bass saves the fucking day.  Hey honey, don't thank the police they didn't do shit.  Thank me.  Or better yet, thank my ridiculously pointless folk tune-singing fish.  I can't imagine anything more satisfying than being able to stare all the haters right in their eyeballs and with a completely straight face tell them that your Billy Bass has literally paid for itself.  Did it annoy the shit out of me and drive me nuts for years, yeah, but you know what else?  It saved my business. With toys like that who needs a watchdog?

*George Costanza:  Artie Schumann? From Camp Hatchapee?
Jerry Seinfeld:  No, you idiot.
George Costanza:  What are you, Bud Abbott? What are you calling me an idiot for?
Jerry Seinfeld:  You don't know Robert Schumann? The composer?
George Costanza:  Oh, Schu-MANN. Of course.

Couldn't find the right clip, but here's another great one from the same episode.  Because I care.

Marcus Smart Flops Like a Motherfucker But at Least He Admits to It

(Source) - Oklahoma State guard Marcus Smart is frustrated with his growing reputation but told ESPN he's not the only one flopping.

"I've probably built up a little reputation, and I'm not questioning that," Smart said after the Cowboys' latest loss -- at home in triple overtime Monday to Iowa State -- the team's fourth defeat in its past five contests. "But I'm not the only one flopping. Every team and every player does it to make sure you get the call."

Smart decided to return to Stillwater for his sophomore season despite being considered a lock for a high-lottery pick had he decided to enter the 2013 NBA draft. He told ESPN that he has no regrets about spurning millions and returning to school, even though his team is struggling and he has displayed his frustration on the court with emotional outbursts.

One reason for Smart's dissatisfaction lately is what he considers inconsistency with officiating. He said the emphasis on handchecking rules, which went into effect prior to the season, has played a significant factor.

"It's so inconsistent," Smart said about the new rules. "We have no idea what to expect. And as a player, it messes with your mind.

"It's incredible how inconsistent the new rules have been. If they call it on one end, they have to call it on the other end. I don't blame it on anyone. It's a big adjustment for the refs also. They're learning just like us."

As I've made abundantly clear, I absolutely despise flopping.  It's not just that it's pussy basketball.  It's not just that it's an entirely European influence on an American dominated sport.  It's not just that it makes some of the world's best athletes look as soft as baby shit.  It's the fact that it's becoming second nature to these guys and the league is letting it happen.  Do you honestly think hard-nosed defenders like Smart agree with flopping?  Fuck no, no way.  If he could have it his way the league would get rid of all the rules that restrict hand checking and let basketball be played the way it should be, the way it was played in the Golden Age of the 80s and 90s - physically.  

I never got the reasoning behind banning hand checking.  It's not like the rules cut back on injuries at all.  The only thing it does is make it easier to score to make the game flashier than it's ever been.  When in reality it's turned the league into the closest thing America has to watchable soccer.  It's a bunch of giant pansies running around pretending to get bumped and falling over like they just got trucksticked.  Meanwhile the league that is "determined" to stop such behavior hands out chump change fines that even the lowest paid rookie would scoff at.  Now you have guys like Smart - real basketball players who prefer a more physical game - being forced to change their style of play to cope with the changing on-court environment.  He's getting a bad rap for being smart and adjusting with changing times.  Do I like that he flops?  Hell no, but at least he admits that he's being forced to do it as a result of what he's going to see on the next level.  LeBron on the other hand (arguably the most physically imposing player in the league) still absolutely refuses to acknowledge that he's ever done it even once.  

"I don’t need to flop. I play an aggressive game but I don’t flop. I’ve never been one of those guys. I don’t need to flop. I don’t even know how to do it. So it doesn’t mean much to me."

                                                                          - Lebron James 

 

If the new commish had any brains he would stop flopping altogether.  But if he's going to do it he needs to change the rule from some bullshit fine to an automatic one-game suspension without pay.  Second offense is the same deal.  Third offense is three games without pay plus an additional fine.  If that seems rough then deal with it.  If you think about it, it's really not that hard to stop cheating.  It shouldn't be difficult to resist falling down when someone doesn't make legitimate contact.  The only way to show the players that flopping isn't worth it is to make it not worth it.  Charging a guy $5,000 when he makes millions a year isn't going to do shit.  It's either that or let basketball move forth into the next era of the pussification of American sports.

PS - Why don't the vets speak out about this more?  They're getting passed up in the record books because it's easier for guys in the league to do everything now.  All of the greats who had to dogfight for everything they earned are getting shown up by a bunch of sissies.  Obviously I'm not Jordan, Isiah Thomas, or Bird but if I were and I saw these candy asses getting mentioned in the same breath as me I would be livid.  I'm shocked they haven't taken more of a stand against the style that's played today.

3 Things We Learned About Chris 'Sky' Walker and the Florida Gators Last Night

Last night was former McDonald's All-American Chris 'Sky' Walker's debut game for the Florida Gators. As promised, he only saw limited minutes (7 to be exact) in the first half and rode the bench for the second part of the game.  Granted it's only a tiny sample of what's to come from Walker and the Gators but here are the 3 things that we figured out:

1. Walker is capable of making an immediate impact if needed.

He came in and only played 7 minutes but he had 2 blocks, 2 rebounds and 4 points.  Straight off the bat he proved that he can contribute.  Walker is a man out there, and has freak athleticism to boot.  He has great length and natural instincts as a shot blocker on the college level.  In the NBA he might be a little more undersized given that he's built more like a forward than a center but impressive nonetheless.  Florida has one of, if not the best defense in college basketball and Walker just made them a little bit better.  Pretty crazy to think about.  Good news for the Gators, bad news for the rest of the league.  Come tournament time they might even become the favorite for the national championship.

2. My theory about Walker being a party animal/pussy magnet is 100% dead on.

Three sets of lip tattoos on your neck might seem like a cocky move but remember, it's not arrogant if it's true.  Honestly this is probably what he spent the recruitment money he was investigated for on.  Visited Gainesville, got a fat wad of cash from Billy Donovan, banged out a couple co-ed bitties and headed straight for the tattoo parlor the morning after to get those sluts' lipstick permanently inked on his neck.  Basically just as a reminder for how he ended up at Florida.  It's always important to remember the little folks and this way he'll have them with him forever.  Genius.  And it's kind of adorable watching a giant black man be so nostalgic.  Like "Hey girl, remember that time I laid some serious pipe and redecorated your vaginal walls? Well I promised that I won't ever let myself forget."

*Shows neck tats, legs part like the Red Sea*

3. Billy Donovan has visible herpes mere weeks after Walker joins the team.  Coincidence?

I'm not saying Billy Donovan sucked Chris Walker's dick to get him to come to Florida, but I'm also not going to say that he didn't.  Listen, college basketball is getting more and more competitive every year and with all of these one and done recruits it's hard to build a team that can consistently compete.  Coaches might be driven to do some crazy stuff to keep their jobs.  Simple test to prove me wrong:  match up Donovan's lips with the three sets on Walker's neck.  If they match then we know Walker got a little something extra to come to Gainesville.  If they don't then we know he still probably got money, plane tickets, and other perks but at least the coach isn't blowing recruits to give his school an edge.  Handouts are one thing, sexual favors are a different issue entirely.  How are Coach K and Boeheim supposed to compete with Florida when Donovan's willing to drop down and guzzle a budding superstar's load?  Such an unfair advantage.

Send Out the Smoke Patrol on the Olympic Skeleton Helmets

I'm not going to sit here and pretend I'm an expert on skeleton because I really have no clue what it is.  From what I've gathered over the years, it's a more suicidal headfirst solo version of bobsledding.  Pretty sick but like I said I really don't know much about it besides that.  But one thing I do know a thing or two about is dope headgear.  And this may be a bold statement but I think these might rival hockey's goalie masks as the hottest headgear in the game.  Molten lava hot.














Here's the US team's helmets...Yes and fuck yes.

Argument Over: Fireball is a Man's Drink

Let it be known that Marshawn Lynch reached for a fifth of Fireball whiskey at the Seahawks Parade in Seattle today. If you want to go up and tell a man nicknamed 'Beast Mode' that what he's drinking is for pussies then by all means go for it.  Be my guest.  He would probably five finger death punch you in the throat and curb stomp your face into the pavement.  Then he'd reach for his favorite "chick drink" slug it like Andre the Giant would a keg of beer and soak in the roars of the crowd like a modern day gladiator.  From this moment on, if you fuck with Fireball then you're fucking with Marshawn Lynch.  Good luck.






PS - How fast do you think he drank it?  Not just fast.  Stupid fast.

Breaking Down Barstool's #Hamburgergate

Alright so I felt the need to say my piece on the matter.  I'm going to break this argument down bit by bit, Barstool employee by Barstool employee and at the end of it we'll be done with it forever.  We won't need any more chatter about this because I'll have gotten to the bottom of it just like I do everything else because it's what sleuths such as myself do.  We dig for answers and we find them.  I didn't ask for this burden, but this is the hand I was dealt so I make the best of it.  Some people sit on their asses and believe whatever the hell people tell them and others are truth seekers, real godly men.  I am the latter.  So without further ado here are the answers that you all seek:


Issue #1: Hamburger vs. Cheeseburger

They're two different things.  Hamburger is without cheese, cheeseburger is with it.  Basically the simplest fucking concept in the history of concepts.  Hamburger is meat and a bun with traditional toppings (lettuce, tomato, onions, pickle, whatever).  If you don't want the toppings then you ask for a "hamburger, no _____." The second cheese is added to a hamburger it becomes a cheeseburger.  The only goddamn reason we call it a cheeseburger is because of the fact that there is cheese on it.  "Hamburger" implies no cheese every day of the week on every continent on earth.  The fact that this kick-started an entire day of argument is absolutely mindblowing to me.

"Burger" is an acceptable term for both.  But if someone specifically asks for a hamburger you either  a.) ask to make sure that's what they really want because they're clearly too thick to get it right, or b.) get them a hamburger, and if they throw a fit because they wanted cheese, call them a retard for not knowing what a cheeseburger is and tell them to go fuck themselves.  Only mature way to go about it. What you never do is assume that someone means cheeseburger when they ask for a hamburger.  That's the most ignorant thing I've ever heard of.


Side by side comparison: the one on the left (with cheese) is a cheeseburger. On the right (the hamburger without any cheese on it) is a hamburger.



Here's another example.  On top (no cheese) = hamburger.  The bottom (with cheese) = cheeseburger.





Issue #2: Louis.

Um who the hell is Louis?  Does anyone know?  Is he Sales Guy's behind the scenes right hand man or something?  Hey Louis, if the world actually wanted to hear your opinion on things then maybe you would be a BLOGGER for the BLOG that you work for.  Unfortunately you're a halfwit who can't even seem to work out the difference between a hamburger and a cheeseburger so let's keep that trap shut tight bro.  Do you also think that a burrito is just a really big taco?  Is a tuna steak just tuna salad that people forgot to add mayonnaise, onion, and celery to?  Do you call fries without cheese cheese fries?  No.  So stop it Louis, just stop it.

Do us all a favor and go back to whatever dark corner of Barstool headquarters you crawled out of.  I'm sure you're a nice guy and that's great, and you're probably funny as hell and awesome at a bunch of other stuff not related to having an opinion to share with the public.  But don't bring that weak ass shit in my face when I barely have any idea who you even are.  Lou, let's just keep you out of the picture and your voice out of the equation.  You remember Wilson from Home Improvement?  Be a completely silent version of that.

In all fairness to Louis, "Who the fuck orders a hamburger?" is actually a pretty valid question, and one that I'll get to later.


Issue #3: KFC and the Cyclops

I love KFC and his blogging so this actually hurts a little bit because I've basically agreed with everything he's ever said and done aside from when he tries to participate in sports.  I gotta be honest this pissed me off though.  Listen, I'm all for recycling funny jokes and wearing them out like an old punching bag, but all this cyclops business wasn't the least bit funny to begin with and he just refused to let it go. "Pres called it a cyclops, no way! That's like the craziest most hysterical thing anyone's ever said!!! Did you hear me? HE CALLED THE BURGER A FUCKING CYCLOPS!"




No Kevin, he didn't mean a tripod.  He meant a cyclops, just let it go.


Check in 10 hours later...



Nuts. Hilarious. Gold.


And like I said, as much as I would love to watch KFC rip apart Pageviews' intelligence and overall character I just can't stand for it in this situation.

Cyclops have one eye, fact. That large yellow glob of cheese surrounded by the brown of the burger itself resembles the singular eye of a cyclops, fact.  What was confusing about this?  Open and shut case. Cyclops issue resolved.




Issue #4: The Attack on Pres for Liking Plain Hamburgers

Would I personally ask for a plain hamburger?  Absolutely not, but at the same time Pres is the type of guy who would rather have a slice of plain cheese pizza with no toppings, crushed red pepper, or parmesan either.  The man is a traditionalist.  He wants the most basic ingredients and he wants them to taste good so he can tell the true quality of what he's eating.  A burger with cheese and all the toppings is going to be better every single time, but if you don't think that all of those extras hide the real quality of the burger then you're out of your mind.  Pres doesn't want that.  He wants the centerpieces of the meal and he wants them to be delicious by themselves.  That way he can tell the real quality of the product he's getting.  If you think that's weird as fuck that's because it is, but at least it's consistent with the rest of his diet.  You can't get mad at someone for having a preference.  If he were all over the map with what he likes then it would be different but the fact of the matter is that this is textbook Pageviews, there's just no getting around it.

The brutally honest way to put it is to say that he has the palate of a child.  Like you know when you were a little kid and you went through phases where the only thing you wanted to eat was peanut butter and jelly with the crusts cut off or mac and cheese for every single meal?  That pretty much seems like it's how Pres lives his entire life.  Plain cheese pizza, plain old boring hamburger, probably still makes Renee cut the crust off his PBJs and split them into diagonal halves.  Honestly I would bet he was kind of pissed off that he had to eat the burger at all.  Probably just wished he could have eaten a plain cheese pizza for lunch and called it a day.


Issue #5: Big Cat and Feits

The resident fatties not having more to say about a food argument days after you've ended a forced diet is unforgivable. Be better.

  


Issue #6: Big Cat

Hey look who decided to chime in 9-10 hours later with a couple generic jokes.  Obviously he was blogging all day so there was other stuff going on, but coming in hot 9 hours later with these two zingers just seems a little underwhelming for what the Stoolies have come to expect from El Gato Grande.  The first one is actually okay, the second one feels eerily reminiscent of a Rick Reilly joke.  I'm not mad, I'm just disappointed.

  




That's it.  Was busy all day so this is the first real chance I've had to blog anything.  Thankfully it was something as fulfilling as deciphering the difference between a hamburger and cheeseburger (note: it's the cheese) and critiquing the inner workings of a smut blog.  Aka God's work.

I Give Up on Peyton

I'm out!  I give up!  The guy is Dan Marino 2.0, there's just no other way to say it.  Every single aspect of the Broncos game yesterday was absolutely awful, everything.  O-Line, garbage.  Defense, garbage.  Peyton, especially garbage.  Yeah, the entire team fucked up, but someone needs to take accountability and this is Manning's team plain and simple.  It's his offense, he's the captain, he needs to be the scapegoat.  If he lost a hard-fought game that's one thing, but coming in and getting humiliated worse than any other team in Super Bowl history is absolutely unacceptable if you're going to be considered arguably the best ever.  Remember those "ducks" that Sherman was talking about?  Yeah well Peyton threw one of them right into the Seahawks hands and was under-throwing passes from start to finish.

I guess I've just been in denial for years and for that I'm taking responsibility.  Last night was it, I'm off Team Peyton.  I just can't do it anymore.  I've be so fucking wrong for so fucking long and at some point you just have to throw in the towel and call a spade a spade.  I picked the Broncos against my better judgment. Usually I go with the better defensive team, but this year was blinded by "The Sheriff" and his regular season numbers and I let it go to my head.  I drank the Kool-Aid.  I bought in and got played for a fool.  I fucked up, that's on me.  Never again Peyton, never again.  At the end of the day he's nothing more than the greatest regular season quarterback of all time.  What can I say, facts are facts, and he's proven that to be fact time and time again.









PS - I know Eli is his brother and all and he "wants the best for his family" but there has to be some tiny, itty bitty microscopic hint of satisfaction for him watching that game.  Everyone shits on you nonstop for being the dumb(er) looking little brother - oh poor adorably retarded Eli is never going to be able to escape Peyton's shadow.  And then after the worst season of your career big bro goes out and has the best season of all time?  You can't tell me he doesn't get some slight pleasure from watching Peyton shit his pants like that for the world to see.  Say what you want but baby bro just got a whole lot better looking to Archie and the Manning clan.  I know it, you know, and Eli knows it.

PPS - Kmarko from Barstool is a prop bet guru.  Legit wizard shit.  If you ever take one piece of advice from me let it be this: follow his lead next year 100% of the way.  For real.  Basically free money.

If Rob Ford is Sticking Up For Bieber Then I Think I Just Joined Team Bieber

(Source) - Toronto Mayor Rob Ford stuck up for Justin Bieber in a radio interview on Thursday, the day after the Canadian singer was charged with assault in his city.

Ford called into the Washington, D.C.-based radio show The Sports Junkies, whose hosts labeled Bieber “Canada’s worst export,” and asked them to put it all in perspective by remembering when they were Bieber’s age. 

“He’s a young guy, 19 years old. I wish I was as successful as he was,” Ford said, who added he’s never met the singer and is not a fan of his music.

I know I talk a lot of shit about the Biebs, but that's only because I honestly thought that I hated his guts this whole time.  But now that Rob Ford is sticking up for him I'm not so sure anymore.  Say what you want about Mayor Ford.  Does he occasionally black the fuck out and smoke a little crack?  Sure.  Is it kind of strange that he hypes himself up for all of his press conference by sporting a new NFL jersey every time? Maybe to some.  Did he put a jail hit out on his sister's convict ex-boyfriend to keep him from opening his mouth about Ford's hard drug use?  Almost definitely.  But if there is one thing that know for sure about this man it's that he's an excellent judge of character.  The kind of class act that only smokes crack when he's shitfaced aka basically never happened, only deals with the most upstanding and respectful drug dealers, only picks trustworthy guys he used to coach in football to execute his off the books dirty work.  He's just aligning himself with the best of the best in every aspect of his life.  And if he's Team Bieber then who the hell am I to doubt him?  I'm just an unemployed blogger, real scum.  Up until this point Mayor Ford has proven himself to be nothing more than an exemplary role model.  The kind of guy that works hard and parties harder. He kicks ass and takes names.  That's called living the dream guys.  And if he's saying that he of all people is jealous of the Biebs and that we all need to relax and give the guy a break then I guess I have to agree with him.  Maybe we all have been being a little rough on Justin.  I feel a little silly saying it because it's so new to me but fuck it.  FREE BIEBER!

If You Haven't Seen Shakira's New Video It Pretty Much Proves That I'm Psychic

Seriously, Beyonce who?  Screw it, she can have the hearts of America's women all she wants.  Nothing in this world pitches a faster tent in my pants than a brand spankin' new Shakira music video.  If you're a red-blooded American male then you need to see this.  On behalf of Shakira, I'd like to say you're welcome world, you're welcome.

PS - This video also just further proves that Rihanna can't get after it with the best of them.  Call me when you're ready for the big leagues sweetheart.  

Some Dude in Australia is Dressing Up Like a Clown and Creeping the Shit Out of Everyone

(Source) - Melbourne police are seeking information about a man wearing a clown mask who was seen waving a gun at pedestrians early on Tuesday morning.

Four people have so far come forward to say they were threatened by the man, who was seen leaning out of a car passenger window as the vehicle slowed to a crawl when passing victims across the St Albans and Sydenham area.

The clown stepped out of the car on one occasion but no-one was hurt during the bizarre 30-minute spree, though Sgt Mark Guthrie of the Brimbank Crime Investigation Unit said victims were in shock.

"All the witnesses have described a weapon being pointed at them, a firearm, whether it is fake or not we do not know," Sgt Guthrie said.

"All the incidents happened within half an hour and within 10 to 15km of each other. It was half-hour of madness but why they did it, I can't put my finger on it.

"It was very scary for those involved, they all want them caught or for it to stop," he added.

Sgt Guthrie said the man had been described as wearing a full white face mask with red hair, red lips and red nose, riding in a white car that may have had other passengers.

I don't get the big fuss over this.  It's clearly some drunk Aussie bro driving around purposely trying to get a rise out of people while his mates sit in the backseat and have a good laugh/crush empty Fosters cans on their foreheads.  I'd bet all the money in my bank account ($134.82) that the gun is either fake or empty. You heard me, ALL OF IT.  Sure, maybe it's still a little fucked up that he's going around and shoving a pistol in everyone's face but at the same time I'm kind of pissed I'm not there with him.  30 short minutes of screwing around with your buddies and you legit probably made at least two or three people poop their pants in the middle of the street.  That would be the funniest 30 minutes of my entire year.  No one died, no one got hurt, nothing even happened.  It honestly sounds well worth whatever stupid fine you'll get even if you do get caught.

Oh and keep in mind that this isn't happening in uptight America where a person would literally sue this dude straight into the poorhouse for something ridiculous like causing "emotional distress."  This is Australia. Aussies LOVE to fuck around.  If the cops ever do find out who these guys are, I guarantee they join in on the fun for at least one more twenty minute go-around with the clown masks.  Actually now that I'm thinking about it, it probably was the cops.  It's the perfect crime.

Maybe I Jumped to Conclusions About Amanda Knox...

I change my mind.....GUILTY! GUILTY!  DEFINITELY GUILTY!

Amanda Knox Re-Accused of Murder...I Still Would

(Source) - An Italian appeals court convicted former exchange student Amanda Knox and her ex-boyfriend Raffaele Sollecito on murder charges Thursday night.

Prosecutors said the couple had killed Meredith Kercher in November 2007. They were convicted two years later of murder, but those charges were overturned on appeal in 2011.

A judge said Thursday that Knox, also convicted of slander, was sentenced in absentia to 28 1/2 years in prison. Sollecito's sentence was 25 years.

Knox, who was at home in Seattle, Washington, said her conviction would bring no consolation to the Kercher family.

"I am frightened and saddened by this unjust verdict," she said in written remarks. "Having been found innocent before, I expected better from the Italian justice system. The evidence and accusatory theory do not justify a verdict of guilt beyond a reasonable doubt. ...There has always been a marked lack of evidence."

She called the legal proceedings a travesty.



I'm not going to lie to you.  I know absolutely nothing about the law and even less about the Italian law.  And on top of that, I also really don't know anything about this case.  But if there is one thing  that I know for sure its that Amanda Knox is way too pretty for jail.  Did she do it?  I  honestly don't know, but she certainly doesn't seem to think so.  Personally I think the Italians should just lay off.  Seriously, has anyone ever met an Italian that would let something go?  Constantly up in your grill barking shit out.  Everything's an argument with these people.  Um guys, you already had a retrial and found her innocent once.  Why does this keep coming up, do you not have any other criminals to convict or something?  Or is that because a couple bureaucratic goombahs over there decided they changed their mind back this delicate little flower has to go up on the stand again and be forced to re-ride that emotional rollercoaster?  Just give it a rest and leave the poor girl alone already.  From what it sounds like there really isn't even a ton of evidence to support that she did anything.  It was basically just like, "Hmm who's-a pretty good-a suspect?  The roommate?  I don't-a know-a...you think-a she's strong enough to pull-a this off-a? Oh, she have-a the boyfriend!?  That's-a perfecto, let's-a convict them!"  

Typical lazy foreigners not being able to do anything right, always half-assing their way through life.  Hey Italy, maybe this is why your country is in absolute shambles.  They can't get anything done.  How are they supposed to solve grave economic crisis when they're spending 6 years and millions of dollars in resources on convicting, releasing, and re-convicting some American chick in a murder case?  It's just fiscally irresponsible.  The police were probably going to collect evidence but then it was siesta time (or whatever the hell custom they have in Italy) so they went and grabbed a cannoli and a ridiculously undersized and overpriced cup of coffee instead.  Figured fuck the evidence, who needs it this is Italy - guilty until proven innocent*.

Oh and FYI Italian government, we're basically going to tell you to go fuck yourself if you want us to extradite Knox back there.  Because even though we're "cooperative" and "all equals" in this world, we both know that our dick swings longer than yours.  What are you going to do, send a strongly worded letter to Obama?  Remember, your country may be shaped like a boot, but we won't hesitate to shove ours deep up into your asshole if you ever fall out of line.  So fuck you and God Bless America.














PS - I would 100% answer a Craigslist posting by Amanda Knox if she were looking for a roommate knowing full well what she's accused of doing to the last one.  Yeah, maybe it puts me in the same apartment as a murderer but it also puts me one step closer to getting into those panties of hers.  High risk, high reward.







*Seriously, the law in Italy is guilty until proven innocent, I looked it up.  So even if you can't prove that she murdered her roommate, really the only thing you need to prove is that it's theoretically possible that she did and that alone is enough to convict her.  It's a completely backwards version of "beyond a reasonable doubt".  Ridiculous, I know.

Peyton Just Facialed Richard Sherman

(Source) - Seattle Seahawks cornerback Richard Sherman said Denver Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning throws "ducks." And Thursday, had Sherman been in the room, he would have seen a rather prominent Broncos player agree with him.

That would be Manning.

"They say he's a smart player, and I don't think that's a real reach what he's saying there," Manning said Thursday morning. "I do throw ducks. I've thrown a lot of yards and touchdown ducks, so I'm actually quite proud of it."

Earlier this season, Sherman praised Manning's intelligence but added that he throws "ducks" at times. Sherman was then asked about the comment in the Seahawks' media session Wednesday and did not retreat.

"Well, I still feel the same way I felt," Sherman said Wednesday. "He is a great quarterback, he does a great job. At the same time, when he catches the ball, he doesn't necessarily catch the laces all the time. He throws an accurate ball in regards to how he catches it, he just gets it on time and delivers it accurately."

On Thursday, Sherman was told how Manning responded to his comments.

"Oh, I agree. That's exactly what I said. That's what I said. It sounds like a repeat of what I said," he said.

I know that Richard Sherman said that he throws it accurately and that Manning is still a great quarterback blah blah blah.  That's not the point.  You simply do not come at the King days before the big game, Dick. Complete lack of common sense. Do you honestly want to give this guy another reason to want to pound your team's pussy into the ground?  Sherman literally just took all of the pressure that was on Peyton's shoulder (can't win the big games, his legacy needs this, all of it) and he turned Manning's attention to doing one thing and one thing only - making a DB look like a complete moron and ruining his day.  Hey idiot, that's the man's bread and butter!  That's what Peyton thinks about before sex to get him hard.  That's what he dreams about after he's dominated his wife.  And that's what he wakes up chomping at the bit to do every single day of his life.  All that extra talk, those distractions?  Poof!  Gone.  Now the focus is on one thing and one thing only - making you regret ever opening your mouth.  You know what Peyton probably said to himself after he heard this?  "A lion doesn't concern himself with the opinions of a sheep."  Sound familiar?

If you don't feel like reading the whole article I'll paraphrase for you:

Sherman:  Hey Peyton, you throw ducks dude!

Peyton:  (chuckles condescendingly) Fucking A Right I do young fella'.  Ducks for yards, ducks for TDs, ducks that set records, ducks that win football games, you name it.  I'm a baaaaad motherducker bro.  Quack quack homie. ("suck it" motion; salutes; exits)