Cubs are well on their way to a championship team

Right now, as we all know, Chicago baseball isn't exactly easy to watch. The Cubs are brutal and the Sox might be even worse. The good news for the Cubs, unlike the Sox, is that their farm system has jumped from one of the worst to one of the best in the matter of just a few years. The rebuilding project on the North Side has been a massive success thus far with the acquisitions of solid prospects such as CJ Edwards and Mike Olt through trade and a bevy of big name international prospects. It all started with Jorge Soler awhile back and continued with the drafting of Javier Baez (one of the best prospects in the league), Albert Almora, and slugger Kris Bryant who, after a slow first couple games, is now making a really big impact on the low A levels. Junior Lake has panned out so far, but only time will tell. Starlin Castro is a question mark, nobody really understands what's going on with his slump but the coaches seem confident he'll figure it out, so I'm confident too.  Anthony Rizzo is only going to continue to improve, and Travis Wood has been a pleasant surprise this year.  It's not gonna happen over night, but I gotta say the Cubs are starting to look less like they'll have simply a winning team in the future and more like this is the start of another dominant MLB franchise - farm system, management, the works.

Today in Desperation

Quick question: at what point does one finally begin to consider the move to prostitutes, because I think I'm basically there. It's getting to the point where every time the word "hooker" or "prostitute" makes it's way into the conversation, my ears perk up. To set the record straight, I get with girls, but its sparingly (even that's generous) and I'm basically like early Lebron, great for three quarters can't finish to save his life. Carlos Marmol's another good sports comparison, just flat out cannot fucking close. So I got to thinking about when if I ever do happen to make the leap into chickenheads, when would that be? Definitely not soon, way too broke. It would be fiscally irresponsible at this point in my life I'm not about to bite off more than I can chew, but 5 years, maybe 10? After marriage? During marriage!? When do the cravings start? How bad do they get? Would it be a monthly or yearly deal? Honestly though my problem is that I'm way too picky, I would want the really high class good looking ones. If I do it, I want to do it big, ya know, but those gals don't come cheap. Gotta pay top dollar if you want the best. And even though this is just me bullshitting out of boredom, I'd be lying if I said I'm not curious.

Frank gets it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P6DDy1mlcfY

Class Update

Alright so this here is the first week of classes and here's what I know so far...My one teacher (while he was still in college) used to fly to Germany, pick up luxury cars, speed them down the Autobahn onto a plane and back to America, plus he wants to have at least one class at a bar because business gets done at bars from time to time. So he just became my version of a father while I'm away at school. Just a laid-back fucking go getter who legitimately wants to help my ass succeed, gotta respect that. I have another sub-par guy teacher but I'll never consider him a father figure so he's about as insignificant as they come. Spoiler alert: I'm gonna miss your class a lot bro.

The real wildcard comes in the form of a graduate assistant who's gonna be proctoring one of my classes. She's mid-twenties, dark brunette, real small, real timid - right up my alley. Pretty sure there's about to be a new sex scandal teacher in town because this is my last year and I'm pulling out all the stops. No joke, I'm on a mission this year, and this fragile little minx just became objective numero uno in my college bucket list. Do I honestly think I've got a real shot? Fuck yeah! Absolutely not. But is that gonna stop me from subtly dropping hints that I want to put myself inside her...nope, not for one second. There's also a 20-something poor man's Kate Upton who she saw me and immediately flashed back to her childhood and let me tell you, she remembered it fondly. Schoolgirl crush city, population dis bitch and yours truly. I remind her of a simpler time, what can I say.

Then there's a bunch of other squares in all of my classes and an insanely high number of frat stars wearing jeans/polos/fancy pants to class*. Relax bro, no one ever got laid in a 200 person lecture, save the flashy stuff for the nighttime when its dark. Sorority girls are like moths, they flock to bright shit so do yourself a favor save the peacocking for dim light, you're welcome.

*It's been 95+ all week, shorts and t-shirts are the only acceptable attire for this typed of heat and that's just common knowledge. Bathing suits too.

Thanks Miami

So the Bulls are opening up the season with a must-watch game, one of many this year due to the hype surrounding Rose's return and the extremely high expectations for this team. Here's the best part, though: it's against Miami. But wait there's more. It's in Miami on primetime television. But wait there's more. It also happens to be Miami's first game, which means the Lebron and Co. will be receiving all of their championship hardware for the world to see, and who has a front row seat to the entire spectacle but Derrick fucking Rose, Poohdini himself. Everyone outside of Chicago had one of two reactions when Rose came out and said he still thinks of himself as the best player in the NBA. They either a.) were infuriated that a player coming back from serious injury, one who just missed an entire season because of said injury believed he was better than the "undisputed" world champ, or b.) laughed it off like Derrick was crazy/a moron. Guess what, that's cool, that's exactly the same two reactions everyone (even people in Chicago) had before the season he won MVP. Remember "Why can't I be MVP?" Then he just went out and did it, shredded the league until he got to the best team when he was finally stopped, while the Bulls were hobbled with almost no secondary offensive firepower.  Keith Bogans was one of our shooters...Keith Bogans.

People just don't understand that Derrick does not get why Lebron's the best all of a sudden. It's not that he refuses to accept it, it's that to #1, the last time he was at full strength he was The. Fucking. Man.  Nobody could stop him when he was healthy before, so why would they be able to now? It just doesn't make sense to him.  He was hurt last year, so Lebron won MVP, but Derrick thinks he only did that because he was out.  Keep in mind this kid is the youngest MVP of all time and has had a full year to stay away from cutting and driving and has been shooting jumpshot after jumpshot, hour after hour, day after day. And now Rose has to make #TheReturn in Miami while the NBA is giving the Heat all of these awards that he sees as a fluke? Wow, good fucking luck NBA. Sure everyone and their mother has started to question his drive/toughness/durability, but let's dump some more gas into that fire.

Miami: Hey Derrick, guess what we robbed from your house while you were out of town?

Honestly I kinda hope Miami wins this game. Not really, because I hate them and want every single team that ever has/ever will play them to absolutely hammer their shit directly into the hardwood, but if they slap Derrick's face and then add a little insult to injury then it's lights out rest of league, there's no coming back from the old slap and tickle (i know that's not the slap and tickle but it sounds like it could be so i said it, deal with it). He really has no other choice but to win the championship, and if they lost that's exactly the goal Rose and the Bulls would set for themselves. And if there's one thing we know about Rose, it's that when he sets goals he tends to achieve them.

Oh and Joakim Noah absolutely hates the Miami Heat, literally hates them, just talks about it publicly and DGAF. And you're kidding yourself if you don't think every other player on the Bulls feels exactly the same - wouldn't want it any other way. Hating your opponent breeds results, i.e. Celtics/Lakers and Bulls/Pistons.

Hit me.

Miley and the VMAs need to get the fuck outta my face

Alright so I know this is a day or so late and everyone's already talked it to death, but Sunday night was the VMAs as I'm sure most of you know.  Justin Timberlake had an hour and a half long performance that was essentially a mash-up of every single he's had as a solo artist - it was decent.  Every girl will say it was awesome because it was JT and he turns their beef curtains into Niagra Falls, but in all honesty it was nothing more than decent.  His dance moves were fire, his singing was strained.  Whatever, anything was better than Miley.  Holy fuck, Miley Cyrus what the hell is going on with you.  Essentially just doing the world's best Amanda Bynes impression onstage, publicly slutting it up, petting dicks with giant foam fingers and twerking right into the dick Alan Thicke's son.  Personally I don't acknowledge Robin Thicke, he bugs the shit out of me and is pretty much middle aged at this point so great job at working so hard getting to the top, too bad there's an age limit and your time's almost up. Face.  Either way, he's still a pervert and Miley's boney little tush probably gave him a few growing pains of his own if you catch my drift.  My question is this: is Hollywood just becoming a competition to figure out who's a bigger weirdo? Who can act less like a sane, respectable person? It's gotta be right?  Trash bags aren't "in", platinum colored hair isn't actually cool, and skinny jeans are 1 billion percent going to be that one thing everyone looks back on in 20 years and goes "the fuck were we thinking?"  Crazy, though, crazy is in.  And nothing makes crazy come more naturally than crystal meth.  But for everybody's sake I hope Miley does the honorable thing and makes the leap from coke, molly, meth and whatever else to the next logical step: bath salts.  Sure the VMAs were weird this year, but what if mid-performance next year Miley goes zombie apocalypse, leaps into the crowd and eats off Bieber's face. DREAM. COME. TRUE.

PS - Billy Ray's gotta be pissed, serves him right for extorting his child for millions. He built this crazy train, now he's gotta ride that shit to the bloody end. Good luck bro.

PPS - Selena needs to stop hanging out with T-Swift, her big thing right now is she's got that slut vibe going harder than ever and it's boner food for the masses.  Prude ass Taylor the Tight Wad is just bad news for that kinda image. Ditch that Bitch

A Couple Things

So recently it's come to my attention that I'm not exactly what you might call a "good blogger."  Is that going to stop me from doing it? Fuck no, why should it? I suck at having sex but I still do that every once in a blue moon. Suck at sports, but I still play those. And I suck at cooking, but I still make myself food. Sure if I was ever rich enough to eat out for every meal or hire a personal chef I'd totally give up cooking for life because I have absolutely no place in the kitchen, but that's not the point.  I'm gonna blog myself stupid until I get good at this shit because you know what? I've become pretty comfortable with living the degenerate, lazy college lifestyle and blogging gives me the possible opportunity to continue to do that. It's getting to the point where I see bloggers making 50k a year but the fact that they can just sit on their ass and watch sports makes it more than worthwhile. Also the current lie I tell my parents is that I'm going to law school but that place sucks the soul out of people and that's just a fact.  Lawyers hate themselves more than basically every other profession, and thanks but no thanks I already disgust myself more than I'd like as is.  Plus I can live with blogging at this point because I've convinced myself I still have other options in the real world when I do eventually graduate. Do I really have those options? Probably not, but I haven't figured that out for sure yet so I can pretend I do.  By the way, saw the VMAs tonight and I can't believe some of these people are more successful than I am/ever will be.  Just blasphemous.

The Potential for this Big Cat vs. Rovell game is MASSIVE

So last night Darren Rovell, or as Barstool's Big Cat affectionately refers to him, D, decided to follow through on a one-on-one basketball challenge and gave a time and everything.  Obviously getting a gym or court with lights at midnight isn't as convenient as it may seem, most parks turn their lights out around 10-11. Most gyms are closed with their keys in the hands of people who aren't stoolies which means they more than likely won't accomodate.  But it's gonna happen, has to.  Big Cat's a go getter, he's gonna make sure to take care of what needs to be done.  Here's the thing though. Rovell is terrible at basketball, like awful.  When I was in 5th grade I was lightyears ahead of his game, and I was a subpar bench player so to sum it up he's pretty fucking bad.  I've honestly never seen anyone worse in my life.  If Big Cat manages to videotape this and make Rovell look even worse than he has before (completely plausible), I think there's a small chance it could overtake the still-undefeated butt-fumble on ESPN's Not Top Ten.  Imagine over and over watching Rovell flop and trip all over the court with a mustachio'd Big Cat laughing at the uncoordination (not a word, don't care).  How could ESPN resist? They'd be considered poor sports, can't have that kinda publicity when a massive rival network just got launched, no way.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cXurvV8xXLY


P.S. kinda feel bad for Rovell, but then I realized he brought this on himself. He should've given up basketball after this showing, just piss poor effort.

Bucket Hat Nation Making Moves

So Barstool's got Bucket Hat Nation coming out in full force now, and deservedly so.  The bucket hat is by far the most underrated summer hat of all time.  I personally have a long, detailed history with the bucket hat that goes all the way back to when my parents lied and told me we were going to the beach.  We ended up at some bullshit inland lake with one of those poor people beaches like those pools in India where the vagrants do things like clean their laundry and take dumps.  Basically they said suck it up, be happy, here's a bucket hat, go get hepatitis. Ever since then I've been a big supporter, I've always found ways to make use of one.  But then the other day I was home for the weekend and packing to go to my buddy's cottage and my mom wouldn't shut the hell up about how I need a bucket hat, bring your bucket hat, do you have your bucket hat? When I asked her about it, she told me about all the kids in her class talking about Bucket Hat Nation and sports Skittles so she looked it up and uncovered the world of Barstool.  Now she "likes" Big Cat.  Apparently he's a "nut", and to make matters worse she wants a Twitter now so she can hear what he has to say all day long. That's it, she knows about the stool, she's been sullied.  I was so traumatized by the whole thing I had to go on the internet and get a new bucket hat to make myself feel better, bought my dog one too. Spoiler alert:  he wants to rip my throat out  he loves it.

Black vs. African-American: What You Need to Know

So yesterday I started a season in NBA 2k and made my own player, naturally he's black and a lefty (I'm white and all righty), but then I got to thinking. What's the difference between being black and African-American and based on all the usual stereotypes my racist friends joke about that are almost always true my research I've come to decide that black is a state of mind, and no one owns it better than me. Sure I've never exactly "lived in the inner city" or "experienced diversity" or been "profiled because of my skin color." But on the other hand I couldn't be more broke, I hate working, and I absolutely LOVE watermelon, Kool-Aid, and fried chicken. Basketball is my bread and butter. I have the self-confidence of a much better, bigger, less ugly, more successful man, but without actually earning any of that self-confidence. Sure my dad's always been around and I still don't exactly know what a food stamp is but I feel like at that point we're just splitting hairs. No need to nitpick. So there it is I guess, African-American is an ethnicity, black is a state of mind.  And my mind is telling me that Tupac and I are pretty much two peas.  Oh did I mention I can rap? Yeah, I'm that black guy. What a cliche.




P.S.  I ain't a killa but don't push me




P.P.S.  I know this seems like it could be racist but it's cool i've got a couple black friends so no worries

So turns out my diet couldn't be more balanced

So yesterday I discussed some concerns with my diet/exercise.  Pretty much non-existent, whatever, still handsome as ever.  Then I got to thinking, I eat bags of popcorn every single day, corn's a vegetable that's just straight up fact.  Boom, already surprising myself.  Then I eat peanut butter all the time, vegetable/nut (I have no idea) number two.  On top of that I eat Jimmy Dean's breakfast sandwiches and hamburgers with lettuce, tomatoes, and pickles, not to mention onions.  Veggies 3, 4, 5, and 6.  And I consistently steal and drink my roommates chocolate muscle milk for dairy.  Is it technically "real milk"? No. But it says milk and that means it's gotta pretty much be the same deal with just a little extra swoll to it, so essentially best case scenario. Win, win, win.  So I guess my diet's basically exceptional. Who would've thought?  I'm a health nut and I didn't even know.

P.S. Chewy granola bars for grain, only a box a day though.  Too little, too much? Can't really ever have too much grain right? Better up the serving size.

Jay Cutler's Off the Field Decision Making on the Other Hand...Never in Question

Off the field Jay though? Oh, nothing just making beast decisions all day.

Upping his street cred without lifting a finger? Almost, it only took one.

Honestly love the fact that he does this, trust me it's annoying as fuck when the paparazzi follow you around all day.  I know exactly how you feel Jay, it's the struggle man.  

Then there's the baby momma. Just Laguna's head bitch in charge, nothin' fancy.

Did anybody notice she stayed crazy hot when she was pregnant?

Don't get me wrong pregnant chicks are gross but I'm so confused by this.  It's gross and I know it's gross, and I know there's another person inside of her just living there and that makes it even more gross, but it's hot?  Being pregnant and this hot isn't fair to regular girls let alone other pregnant chicks. I see you Kristin.  

The Question About Jay Cutler

Being from Chicago, I'm used to the idea of having a bush league quarterback with a noodle arm who would be a 2nd or 3rd string quarterback on any other team.  What we've never had is someone with Cutler's raw talent.  From day one in NFL Jay Cutler has had the qualities of a great, franchise quarterback.  He's mobile in the pocket, highly intelligent, and can throw the ball to the fucking moon.  But throughout his career he's been underwhelming, going to the playoffs only once in his 7 years in the league.  Personally I'm a results guy.  Prove that you can win games consistently, that's all I ask.  Cutler has not done that.  Now I'm not against Jay Cutler at all, that's definitely not what I'm saying.  But if, for example, the Bears make the playoffs and win a game or two and Cutler has a great year, the franchise will be expected to pay top dollar to extend Cutler (somewhere in the neighborhood of $18-20 million a year).  Though he's made mention of a "hometown discount" I doubt that number is as substantial as it sounds.  The question then becomes whether or not the notoriously cheap as fuck frugal McCaskey family will be willing to shell out top dollar.  Quite honestly, despite the fact that Cutler is clearly still one of the more talented quarterbacks in the league, I'm not so sure they'd be willing to part with that much money for the return.

Cutler looks elite, but has a tendency to make bad decisions.  He's a little more gunslinger than he should be considering his high IQ.  He feels like he has to do it all more often than not.  Understand that his offensive line has been utterly miserable the last few seasons, but at the same time it's worth noting that Aaron Rodgers got sacked more than anyone in the league last year.  Part of that is the fact that Green Bay passed more often than not because of their running game, which is equally as bad as Chicago's passing game if not worse.  The fact that Brandon Marshall more than tripled almost every other receiver on the team in receptions last year is a problem.  Jay needs to realize that it's not him and B-Marsh against the league.  He needs to have more confidence in his other guys and dump it to one of the backs more often.  Open conflict between coaches and players are also never good for a franchise.  Jay sees himself as the franchise guy without delivering franchise quality, but demanding top-tier treatment.  Considering he's had the same problems for the last few years with little sign of changing, unless Trestman can help Cutler to mature off the field as well as on it he may not be coaching him in Chicago for long.  Keep in mind, the Bears have Trestman locked up for a few years and he's a quarterback guru.  He can make anyone productive, but he needs to know he can win a championship with them.

Hey Guess What I'm a Genius Now

So here I am sitting around doing nothing, feeling like absolute garbage wondering why.  Gotta be sick right?  Zero chance it has to do with the fact that my lunch today was a box of Keebler cookies and two bags of butter popcorn (movie theater butter in the winter, it's still beach season).  Definitely not the hour or two of random walking around I do that I've begun to consider exercise.  So I'm thinking maybe if I hadn't been lazy as shit throughout high school and college I could have been a doctor and bam, self diagnosis, quick fix. A little self-hate to keep yourself humble isn't the worst thing in the world. Then I hopped on the internet typed in my symptoms and presto, I'm cured.  Basically now I'm a doctor.  Also I know every word in the fucking world, and what every celebrity is doing at all times.  Smartest, most connected person in world right here, nice to meet me.  Oh, and the diagnosis was poor diet and lack of exercise by the way.  Still not 100% convinced, gotta go run some more tests*

*add/subtract one symptom and see the new results

Chicago Bulls: History Repeating Itself, or not who knows

The 2012-13 Bulls were a letdown.  Anyway you look at it, at the beginning of the year we had the pieces necessary to contend for a title.  With hopes of Derrick Rose's return high, we seemed poised to make another run with the additions of firecracker Nate Robinson and a little extra shooting off the bench in the mold of Marco Belinelli, and added defense at two positions courtesy of Captain Kirk Hinrich.  And again we met the Heat in the playoffs, and again we lost badly.  In 2011-12 it was much the same.  The second that Derrick Rose went down, despite clutching to optimism, we all knew for the most part that the season was over.  Philly rolled right over us, the rest of the team just didn't have it after their leader went down.  The year before that was our first encounter with the Heat, an embarrassing one at that, allowing ourselves to get complacent after a dominant first game performance.

Now other teams in the East have begun stacking up talent with giant payrolls to keep up with the Easts top dogs, the Bulls and the Heat.  The Knicks, the Nets, the Pacers, even the Pistons are making significant acquisitions to help them contend.  At the end of the day, we all know there's only one team that's King Dick in the East right now and that's the Miami Heat.  But I don't look at it as the Miami Heat are at the beginning of their dynasty. No, I've always been a firm believer in the idea of history repeating itself and that's exactly what I see happening now.  In the late 1980s into the 90s, the Chicago Bulls were a young, exciting team with the league superstar, but they couldn't win a title.  Shit they couldn't even get to the title.  The Bad Boys Pistons of the era beat the Bulls in the playoffs year after year with what some saw to be dirty play.  Obviously they don't play the same type of game, but Dwyane Wade has had some questionable moments (he tackles people on the court), and Lebron James, Shane Battier, and Chris Bosh have all flopped a ridiculous amount, which it could be argued is today's clearest style of dirty play which is absolutely pathetic for the game of basketball.

With rumors of discontent between Thibodeau and Gar Forman, these Bulls today look even more like the Chicago Bulls of the 1990s when Phil Jackson and Michael Jordan had a well advertised feud with Jerry Krause.  I'm not by any means saying these are tell-tale signs of a championship before the season even starts because I'm just antsy and waiting for football and looking for anything to talk about in the mean time. Call me crazy, but if it was the championship recipe before, why not one more time?

P.S.  Couple other important parts of that championship recipe were a couple dudes named Scottie Pippen and Michael Jordan.  They were alright.  Oh and some coach who has more rings than he can count.  Take me out Zenmaster.

Stop it Phil, and in jeans?  You couldn't be smoother if you tried.